Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well, Steven Spielberg has officially rejected my screenplay
"Schindler's Full Black Down Metal Hawk Jacket": it came back in the mail today with a rejection letter smelling suspiciously like urine.
It would appear I have only one hope left for getting a movie made, and I’m banking all
Terri's money on my secret weapon:
The Scalding.
It’s an epic two page script about a buxom hot chick relentlessly tormented and attacked by a radioactive space toaster.
You should see the poster!
***
On the first day of shooting, the cast and crew effusively greeted me as I arrived on the set.
“Pleased to meet you sir,” says a homeless-looking guy. “I am the Producer of
The Scalding, and I’m sparing no effort or expense to make this the greatest epic thriller since
The Exorcist V." A thick bourbon smell complimented his whispers. "We are now filming the scene when
Large-Breasted Scantily-Clad Chick Number One’s boyfriend arrives after his CIA mission."
"Oooh, goodie!" I says. "The part where the waffle iron spawns a second head?"
"Yes."
“Alright, everybody,” demands the apparent director. “Quiet on the set. Large-Breasted Scantily-Clad Chick Number One, this is your Big Scene. I want to see some
fear. And ...
Action!”
Large-Breasted Scantily-Clad Chick Number One cringes against the large picture window in the kitchen as special effects guys pull a rather un-menacing looking waffle iron crablike across the countertop with fishing line.
LBSCC#1 screams, mascara-stained tears raining down over her magnificent bosoms. She kicks at the waffle iron vainly with her stiletto heels. “You’re lucky my
boyfriend isn’t here,” she cries.
“Alright,
mark!” says the director. “Cue airplane now!”
A tiny plastic model airplane –also on fishing line— starts randomly spinning in a downward trajectory by the picture window.
"Hey!" I whisper to the producer. "That's supposed to be a stealth bomber!"
"Well to be fair sir," the producer says quietly. "How many kitchens have picture windows overlooking military airport runways?"
“There he
is!”, exclaims LBSCC#1, pointing at the hero on a motorcycle. “
He’ll stop you, you evil radioactive space waffle iron!” As she crosses off-screen, the
click click click of her heels diminish audibly from the plastic microphone.
"Well," I concede. "She does have large breasts and is scantily clad."
Suddenly the airplane’s fishing line got tangled with the toaster's electrical cord. And after a few frenetic moments, the toaster flew up in the air and the two unlikely objects collide solidly. Both burst into flames, and -fishing line burned away- they fall to the ground with a hideous clang off camera.
“Cut!” yells the director. He stands. “That was
brilliant! I'm already envisioning the 'Revenge of the Toaster'
sequel!”
“What exactly is the budget for this production?” I ask.
“About eight bucks.” Says the producer. “You got a quarter? We need more fishing line.”
“Can’t
any of you guys work with a budget?” I complain. “With
six bucks, I’m funding the Predator Press Space Program, the Topless Holistic Online Medicine and Cancer Research Institute,
and the LOBO Foundation for Sickly, Dying, Hungry-Yet-Hard-Working Orphans with Gambling Problems!”
"I'll pay you that $50 Friday, sir," he says. "But
please don't put me back in the Space Program!"
"It's not my fault you bet on the Lakers with only a six point spread."
Predator Press
I remember being taught about quicksand by no less than three teachers during the brief debacle of my adolescent education. They all conflicted with each other too. “Don’t struggle,” one said. “Lay flat and roll out,” said another. -Clearly even back then this enigmatic sedentary evil was barely understood. Of course, this was in the same day and age they taught us to curl up in a hallway in case of aerial bombings, and hide under our desks during nuclear blasts.
Obviously the Great Mystery of Quicksand is beyond the feeble understanding of even the greatest minds of our time. Still, we here at Predator Press remain hopeful that perhaps one day Humanity will learn to communicate with this, the most misunderstood, secretive, and voracious of Nature’s killers.
