[LOBO]
look and act more human?
Saturday
Friday
Out Go the Lights
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Those silly bastards at Comcast thought that I would be stupid enough to pay them $200 a month to insult their lousy online service to the rest of the world.
So due to a complete failure in negotiations, I've decided to go back to a far more prudent $9.95 56k Earthlink dial-up modem.
... Earthlink has a 5X Accelerator now!
[LOBO]Those silly bastards at Comcast thought that I would be stupid enough to pay them $200 a month to insult their lousy online service to the rest of the world.
So due to a complete failure in negotiations, I've decided to go back to a far more prudent $9.95 56k Earthlink dial-up modem.
... Earthlink has a 5X Accelerator now!
Thursday
Tuesday
Karma
Predator Press
[LOBO]
It's a little-known fact that for extra cash in college, I hacked porn sites for fellow students at $10 a pop.
I suppose that could be considered stealing.
So according to the theory -to cancel out the 'Bad Karma'- I have to do a selfless good deed. Well, more accurately I would have to go to all those sites and give them $10, and start taking up Feminist causes.
Screw that.
Here goes Plan "B".
***
See that guy on the right?
He was a cop whose third wife was found with her skull broken in a bathtub.
After an investigation, it was officially ruled an "Accidental Drowning".
The only reason this has even came to light is because now his fourth wife, pictured, is missing.
Ladies, please.
Stop marrying this man.
(There. I feel better. Don't you?)
[LOBO]
It's a little-known fact that for extra cash in college, I hacked porn sites for fellow students at $10 a pop.
I suppose that could be considered stealing.
So according to the theory -to cancel out the 'Bad Karma'- I have to do a selfless good deed. Well, more accurately I would have to go to all those sites and give them $10, and start taking up Feminist causes.
Screw that.
Here goes Plan "B".
See that guy on the right?
He was a cop whose third wife was found with her skull broken in a bathtub.
After an investigation, it was officially ruled an "Accidental Drowning".
The only reason this has even came to light is because now his fourth wife, pictured, is missing.
Ladies, please.
Stop marrying this man.
(There. I feel better. Don't you?)
Monday
Blister Pack of Lies
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Look," says Nurse Garrison, lowering her clipboard and sighing audibly. "I'm going to have to tell the insurance company something."
"Tell them it's Cobe's fault," I reply simply.
She picks up her pen, and pushed her glasses back over her nose. "Who is Cobe?"
"He's a guy that I sent to straighten out all our operations in Antarctica last year."
"So this is his fault how?"
"Well, he's still in charge of the scheduling and catering of the Company Picnic." I tear up as I stare at the wool mittens over my hands. "He did this on purpose. What kind of sicko schedules a company picnic in November?"
"But it's a clear day, and 72 degrees outside," says Garrison. "I think the guy made some pretty good choices all things considered."
"That's exactly what Cobe would want you to think," I illustrate. "But he scheduled the date and the caterer both."
"So?"
"The caterer came with a clear agenda," I says. "He sets up and starts grilling chicken. I simply asked him from time to time if it was done yet."
Nurse Garrison moaned dubiously. "How many times did you ask him?"
"Thirty four," I says. "Finally he says Sure buddy. It's done now. Knock yourself out. He never tells me that the stuff on the grill is like searing hot."
"So he caused 3rd degree burns on your hands, " she scrawls. "Were you around when he made the potato salad?"
"Yes," I confess. "Why?"
"We'll have to check you for tapeworms too." She pauses. "Colonoscopy?"
"Three weeks ago," I reply, sullen.
"Well you're due," she says, checking a box. "At your age, you can't be too careful. Now why are you wearing those cheap wool mittens?"
"They were Ethan's idea," I says, inspecting them wincing. "But I sterilized my hands in boiling hydrochloric acid first like he told me."
"Ethan told you to sterilize your hands before going to the hospital by boiling them in hydrochloric acid while wearing wool mittens?"
"This happened at last year's picnic. He figured with an HMO, getting my leg pulled would cost essentially the same."
Tearing a bloody strip cautiously from the mitten she remarks, "Is that salted Brillo?"
"Yes. But this year I remembered not to try to grab French fries out of the grease," I proclaim. "I hate that smell."
Sunday
Friday
The Hunt for Red November
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Doc Mike and I finish watching Duane "Dog" Chapman on Larry King Live, and come to separate conclusions.
Doc clicks off the widescreen. "You know what would have been funnier?"
"Funnier than this guy listening to an authentic recording of himself being a racist asshole, and blaming the National Enquirer?" I says. "Not really."
"Well, this guy is a bounty hunter, right? And bounty hunters are supposed to be tough. But this guy is crying on television? He shoulda rolled with it. Shaved his head. Got some swastika tattoos. Offered a half-price special apprehending black men while spitting foam all over the place."
"Yeah," I concede, cracking open another Blue Beaver Beer. "And then Oprah paratroops in -Mission Impossible style- rips off one of Larry's legs an beats the shit out of everyone with it."
"And how about that kid that sold the tape to a tabloid?" Doc continues. "I mean that family must be a total mess."
"I'll bet Thanksgiving dinner at that house is nothing short of spectacular. The kid walks in, 'Hi dad, I want you to meet my new girlfriend ...' Then the needle screeches accross the Perry Como record, and is followed by this big long awkward silence."
Doc muses for a moment. "Can't you just picture Dog carving the turkey with the gravy boat stickin out of his back?"
"That would certainly sell a lot of Tide and Shout commercials," I agree. "It's like a violent version of 'Dancin With the Stars', with 10% more white trash." I grab my laptop and boot up. "We should get Trew Life to narrate it. The ratings will be stellar."
"And right at the end," says Doc, creative juices flaring, "Al Sharpton comes in, pours the cranberries off of the hubcap they're using as a serving dish, and decapitates everyone with a single mighty throw."
"And carrying Duane's head by the mullet," I says drafting furiously, scrawling HTML like a machine gun, "he gets away by stealing the El Camino in the yard? I'm way ahead of you."
[LOBO]
Doc Mike and I finish watching Duane "Dog" Chapman on Larry King Live, and come to separate conclusions.Doc clicks off the widescreen. "You know what would have been funnier?"
"Funnier than this guy listening to an authentic recording of himself being a racist asshole, and blaming the National Enquirer?" I says. "Not really."
"Well, this guy is a bounty hunter, right? And bounty hunters are supposed to be tough. But this guy is crying on television? He shoulda rolled with it. Shaved his head. Got some swastika tattoos. Offered a half-price special apprehending black men while spitting foam all over the place."
"Yeah," I concede, cracking open another Blue Beaver Beer. "And then Oprah paratroops in -Mission Impossible style- rips off one of Larry's legs an beats the shit out of everyone with it."
"And how about that kid that sold the tape to a tabloid?" Doc continues. "I mean that family must be a total mess."
"I'll bet Thanksgiving dinner at that house is nothing short of spectacular. The kid walks in, 'Hi dad, I want you to meet my new girlfriend ...' Then the needle screeches accross the Perry Como record, and is followed by this big long awkward silence."
Doc muses for a moment. "Can't you just picture Dog carving the turkey with the gravy boat stickin out of his back?"
"That would certainly sell a lot of Tide and Shout commercials," I agree. "It's like a violent version of 'Dancin With the Stars', with 10% more white trash." I grab my laptop and boot up. "We should get Trew Life to narrate it. The ratings will be stellar."
"And right at the end," says Doc, creative juices flaring, "Al Sharpton comes in, pours the cranberries off of the hubcap they're using as a serving dish, and decapitates everyone with a single mighty throw."
"And carrying Duane's head by the mullet," I says drafting furiously, scrawling HTML like a machine gun, "he gets away by stealing the El Camino in the yard? I'm way ahead of you."
Thursday
China Answers Demand for Lead-Free Toys
Predator Press
[LOBO]
You have to love an entire country that makes Predator Press "Quality Control" look methodical and comprehensive.
-And now there's a potential spokesperson deal for R. Kelly!
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