[LOBO]
Sunday
Friday
The Hunt for Red November
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Doc Mike and I finish watching Duane "Dog" Chapman on Larry King Live, and come to separate conclusions.
Doc clicks off the widescreen. "You know what would have been funnier?"
"Funnier than this guy listening to an authentic recording of himself being a racist asshole, and blaming the National Enquirer?" I says. "Not really."
"Well, this guy is a bounty hunter, right? And bounty hunters are supposed to be tough. But this guy is crying on television? He shoulda rolled with it. Shaved his head. Got some swastika tattoos. Offered a half-price special apprehending black men while spitting foam all over the place."
"Yeah," I concede, cracking open another Blue Beaver Beer. "And then Oprah paratroops in -Mission Impossible style- rips off one of Larry's legs an beats the shit out of everyone with it."
"And how about that kid that sold the tape to a tabloid?" Doc continues. "I mean that family must be a total mess."
"I'll bet Thanksgiving dinner at that house is nothing short of spectacular. The kid walks in, 'Hi dad, I want you to meet my new girlfriend ...' Then the needle screeches accross the Perry Como record, and is followed by this big long awkward silence."
Doc muses for a moment. "Can't you just picture Dog carving the turkey with the gravy boat stickin out of his back?"
"That would certainly sell a lot of Tide and Shout commercials," I agree. "It's like a violent version of 'Dancin With the Stars', with 10% more white trash." I grab my laptop and boot up. "We should get Trew Life to narrate it. The ratings will be stellar."
"And right at the end," says Doc, creative juices flaring, "Al Sharpton comes in, pours the cranberries off of the hubcap they're using as a serving dish, and decapitates everyone with a single mighty throw."
"And carrying Duane's head by the mullet," I says drafting furiously, scrawling HTML like a machine gun, "he gets away by stealing the El Camino in the yard? I'm way ahead of you."
[LOBO]
Doc Mike and I finish watching Duane "Dog" Chapman on Larry King Live, and come to separate conclusions.Doc clicks off the widescreen. "You know what would have been funnier?"
"Funnier than this guy listening to an authentic recording of himself being a racist asshole, and blaming the National Enquirer?" I says. "Not really."
"Well, this guy is a bounty hunter, right? And bounty hunters are supposed to be tough. But this guy is crying on television? He shoulda rolled with it. Shaved his head. Got some swastika tattoos. Offered a half-price special apprehending black men while spitting foam all over the place."
"Yeah," I concede, cracking open another Blue Beaver Beer. "And then Oprah paratroops in -Mission Impossible style- rips off one of Larry's legs an beats the shit out of everyone with it."
"And how about that kid that sold the tape to a tabloid?" Doc continues. "I mean that family must be a total mess."
"I'll bet Thanksgiving dinner at that house is nothing short of spectacular. The kid walks in, 'Hi dad, I want you to meet my new girlfriend ...' Then the needle screeches accross the Perry Como record, and is followed by this big long awkward silence."
Doc muses for a moment. "Can't you just picture Dog carving the turkey with the gravy boat stickin out of his back?"
"That would certainly sell a lot of Tide and Shout commercials," I agree. "It's like a violent version of 'Dancin With the Stars', with 10% more white trash." I grab my laptop and boot up. "We should get Trew Life to narrate it. The ratings will be stellar."
"And right at the end," says Doc, creative juices flaring, "Al Sharpton comes in, pours the cranberries off of the hubcap they're using as a serving dish, and decapitates everyone with a single mighty throw."
"And carrying Duane's head by the mullet," I says drafting furiously, scrawling HTML like a machine gun, "he gets away by stealing the El Camino in the yard? I'm way ahead of you."
Thursday
China Answers Demand for Lead-Free Toys
Predator Press
[LOBO]
You have to love an entire country that makes Predator Press "Quality Control" look methodical and comprehensive.
-And now there's a potential spokesperson deal for R. Kelly!
Wits End
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I hate the inconsiderate and ungodly hours Predator Press tends to hold meetings.
I've never been to a single meeting conducted before noon that yielded anything practical whatsoever.
Almost by instict, I've avoided them entirely. I regard groups of disagreeing people highly efficient mistake-making machines, second only to ones that concur. And never fail, some jerk is always yelling at me, "But we told you about the blah blah blah at the last meeting!"
Frankly, I'm just plain tired of people that operate under the assumption that I'm paying attention.
I hold meetings strictly between midnight and 2am. If you're going to disagree with me, you better be damn well committed, and fully prepared to face the full fury of your "significant other" who has to pick you up after being dumped at some nondescript Dunkin Donuts 800 miles away.
For smart cats, the quickest way to the mouse is the cheese.
[LOBO]I hate the inconsiderate and ungodly hours Predator Press tends to hold meetings.
I've never been to a single meeting conducted before noon that yielded anything practical whatsoever.
Almost by instict, I've avoided them entirely. I regard groups of disagreeing people highly efficient mistake-making machines, second only to ones that concur. And never fail, some jerk is always yelling at me, "But we told you about the blah blah blah at the last meeting!"
Frankly, I'm just plain tired of people that operate under the assumption that I'm paying attention.
I hold meetings strictly between midnight and 2am. If you're going to disagree with me, you better be damn well committed, and fully prepared to face the full fury of your "significant other" who has to pick you up after being dumped at some nondescript Dunkin Donuts 800 miles away.
For smart cats, the quickest way to the mouse is the cheese.
Tuesday
Pipsqueak
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Look.
Nobody gives two shits about any planets other than the Moon and Saturn.
Period.
And by virtue of finding this obviously scientific and compelling jpeg on the internet, Predator Press is finally weighing in on this ancient mystery.
You know what we found? Bitchy scientist trying to make it hard on kids. Like when you make them memorize all 15 of the Presidents of the United States: it's all just academic busywork invented as a reason to pour more government money into schools.
Nine planets? Bullshit. And I'm not even talking about that whole 'Is Mars Really a Planet?' crap; as we all know, RDO destroyed Mercury six years ago and replaced it with an International House of Pancakes.
Just tell all teachers and charlatans this : "As per Predator Press, from now on there are only four planets: Earth, the Moon, Saturn, and the Sun."
They will likely be annoyed.
... We're screwing them out of billions in Student Loans.
Monday
Labels
Predator Press
[LOBO]
My second job -thanks to Divine Intervention- was a job working for none other than Steven Spielberg, and for a huge tax bracket jump to $6.50 an hour handing out the name tags at his box socials and raves and such.
As a young blossoming writer having finally achieved an annual income over five digits a year, I started to brashly share my creative gifts with the heavyweights of the Hollywood kingmakers.
Who knew the one that got 'Laci Peterson' would be such a bitch about it?
I'm not giving her any more glow sticks.
[LOBO]
My second job -thanks to Divine Intervention- was a job working for none other than Steven Spielberg, and for a huge tax bracket jump to $6.50 an hour handing out the name tags at his box socials and raves and such.
As a young blossoming writer having finally achieved an annual income over five digits a year, I started to brashly share my creative gifts with the heavyweights of the Hollywood kingmakers.
Who knew the one that got 'Laci Peterson' would be such a bitch about it?
I'm not giving her any more glow sticks.
All Along the Watchtower
Predator Press
[LOBO]
The instant word was out that I was a new writing gun for hire, my historic rocket to stardom showed inevitable and undeniable signs of life: I got hired as Copy Editor for an eclectic and trendy, free-thinking hip publication called The Watchtower.
It was there I made my debut, and just look how I punched up that text on my first day:
"Consider the results of one studyof at over 12,000 teenagers degrees Fahrenheit. The conclusion of the researchers: 'A strong emotional electrical connection to a parent car battery is the best guarantee of a teenager's health zombie-free human and the strongest barrier to high-risk behaviors becoming infected.' Yes, children zombies crave attention from their parents victims. A mother once asked her children, 'If you could have anything you wanted, what would you like most?' All four responded, 'More time with Mom and Dad.' brains!"
"How do you discipline or train your children without'irritating' beating them? There are no secret formulas, especially since every child is different. and if you beat up a prostitute in frustration instead, her pimp will probably kill you."
Man these people needed me.
This stuff is pretty damn dry.
[LOBO]
The instant word was out that I was a new writing gun for hire, my historic rocket to stardom showed inevitable and undeniable signs of life: I got hired as Copy Editor for an eclectic and trendy, free-thinking hip publication called The Watchtower.
It was there I made my debut, and just look how I punched up that text on my first day:
"Consider the results of one study
"How do you discipline or train your children without
Man these people needed me.
This stuff is pretty damn dry.
Sunday
Hollywood Writer Strike = Deep Discounts Offered
Predator Press
[LOBO]
When it comes to scab labor, I'm your guy.
$9 an hour.
Period.
I'll even make Starbucks runs and sort paper clips or whatever. Loan me the Hummer, and for a free latte I'll squish that picket line into a gooey puddle that smells like construction paper, glue, glitter and tanning oil.
Think about that for a second: for less than $30 I can eliminate your enemies and crank out six full-length movies complete with corresponding Oscar acceptance speeches ... all with ample time to surf porn and complain about having to go to Starbucks for cheap Hollywood Bigwigs while making $9 an hour.
For me it's all about the integrity of the art.
Don't believe me?
Here goes:
1) LOBO: The Motion Picture
2) LOBO: The Motion Picture Prequel: An in-depth look at LOBO's parents, and how they screwed everything up with a staggeringly laughable inability to provide Panzer ground support during a historically critical defeat. This ultimately indemnified me from ever eating Brussels sprouts again.
3) The Scalding: A psychotic waffle iron terrorizes a bunch of dumb college students during Spring Break.
4) The Office Stabby Thing: Creepy, huh? If you thought that piece of crap about the kids running around in the woods, playing with sticks and dripping boogers was scary, this will institutionalize you: it's about a giant psychotic stapler that delights in hanging snarky Post-Its on cheapskate Hollywood Bigwigs with an unsanitary steel "U".
5) No Deposit, No Dice: A documentary about a guy who robs a sperm bank and now serves a sentence for 607 billion counts of kidnapping.
6) The Making of LOBO: The Motion Picture: All CGI and Special Effects are explored, including interviews with John Woo, George Lucas, Johnny Depp, Jessica Simpson, Chuck Norris, Geoffrey Rush, and the Coen Brothers.
See that?
13 minutes.
See, I'm like that guy in "Shine" except without the talent or that freak pasty thing going. You know, like after the kids have already beat the teacher's erasers together after class. Yeah. Like all the bullies just beat the chalk out of me, and left a pasty, broken, vindictive glob of flesh that had one finger left with which to blog with. And then years later, letter-by-letter the maimed blogger has them all horribly killed.
The Control-Alt-Delete scene alone will be huge at the Sundance Film Festival.
Do I hear $8?
[LOBO]
When it comes to scab labor, I'm your guy.$9 an hour.
Period.
I'll even make Starbucks runs and sort paper clips or whatever. Loan me the Hummer, and for a free latte I'll squish that picket line into a gooey puddle that smells like construction paper, glue, glitter and tanning oil.
Think about that for a second: for less than $30 I can eliminate your enemies and crank out six full-length movies complete with corresponding Oscar acceptance speeches ... all with ample time to surf porn and complain about having to go to Starbucks for cheap Hollywood Bigwigs while making $9 an hour.
For me it's all about the integrity of the art.
Don't believe me?
Here goes:
1) LOBO: The Motion Picture
2) LOBO: The Motion Picture Prequel: An in-depth look at LOBO's parents, and how they screwed everything up with a staggeringly laughable inability to provide Panzer ground support during a historically critical defeat. This ultimately indemnified me from ever eating Brussels sprouts again.
3) The Scalding: A psychotic waffle iron terrorizes a bunch of dumb college students during Spring Break.
4) The Office Stabby Thing: Creepy, huh? If you thought that piece of crap about the kids running around in the woods, playing with sticks and dripping boogers was scary, this will institutionalize you: it's about a giant psychotic stapler that delights in hanging snarky Post-Its on cheapskate Hollywood Bigwigs with an unsanitary steel "U".
5) No Deposit, No Dice: A documentary about a guy who robs a sperm bank and now serves a sentence for 607 billion counts of kidnapping.
6) The Making of LOBO: The Motion Picture: All CGI and Special Effects are explored, including interviews with John Woo, George Lucas, Johnny Depp, Jessica Simpson, Chuck Norris, Geoffrey Rush, and the Coen Brothers.
See that?
13 minutes.
See, I'm like that guy in "Shine" except without the talent or that freak pasty thing going. You know, like after the kids have already beat the teacher's erasers together after class. Yeah. Like all the bullies just beat the chalk out of me, and left a pasty, broken, vindictive glob of flesh that had one finger left with which to blog with. And then years later, letter-by-letter the maimed blogger has them all horribly killed.
The Control-Alt-Delete scene alone will be huge at the Sundance Film Festival.
Do I hear $8?
Saturday
In Space, No One Can Hear You Bitch
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Once it was discovered that I wouldn't stop throwing my wrenches on China, I was permanently removed from the Space Program.
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