Predator Press
[LOBO]
Ford, Toyota and Chevrolet have all roundly rejected the Leviathan, my innovative alternative-energy SUV design.
Alas, the world shall never see the first automobile ever designed to run solely on rare and endangered species of wildlife. In the prototype, I got all the way to Tuscaloosa on six snow leopards, two condors and half a bald eagle.
So all you "alternative energy" hippie posers can just kiss my ass, okay? I thought you were serious.
Friday
Thursday
The Joy of LOBO
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Yeah, well there wasn't really much to do on the trip home, so I volunteered to babysit for the nine Mr. Insanity clones.
And it was all "are we there yet?" and "I want a bicycle" and "I'm hungry! We haven't eaten since Tuesday" blah blah blah nonsense ... the little bastards are completely impossible when it comes down to it.
And when I jacked up the one that said I was a 'Poo-Poo Head', things only got worse ...
[LOBO]
Yeah, well there wasn't really much to do on the trip home, so I volunteered to babysit for the nine Mr. Insanity clones.
And it was all "are we there yet?" and "I want a bicycle" and "I'm hungry! We haven't eaten since Tuesday" blah blah blah nonsense ... the little bastards are completely impossible when it comes down to it.
And when I jacked up the one that said I was a 'Poo-Poo Head', things only got worse ...
Wednesday
Darlette
Predator Press
[Mr. I]
Sapphire smacked LOBO.
Hard.
"Snap out of it!" she cried, smacking him again. "Wake up dumbass! Our friends are in trouble!"
RDO smacked him too. “Yeah! What she said!”
“Stop!” LOBO sobbed. “I got it! Please stop smacking me!”
RDO smacked him again, “Well, you did miss the second chorus.”
“Sir!” the tech interrupted, pointing at the video screen. “The trailer parks have formed their own anti-LOBO device!”
The fifty-foot tattooed and barefoot robot slowly rose, brandishing a frying pan the size of football goalposts, smashing trailers an puppies left and right.
The tech guy whistled.
“Our intelligence says she’s called ’Darlette’.”
[Mr. I]
Sapphire smacked LOBO.
Hard.
"Snap out of it!" she cried, smacking him again. "Wake up dumbass! Our friends are in trouble!"
RDO smacked him too. “Yeah! What she said!”
“Stop!” LOBO sobbed. “I got it! Please stop smacking me!”
RDO smacked him again, “Well, you did miss the second chorus.”
“Sir!” the tech interrupted, pointing at the video screen. “The trailer parks have formed their own anti-LOBO device!”
The fifty-foot tattooed and barefoot robot slowly rose, brandishing a frying pan the size of football goalposts, smashing trailers an puppies left and right.
The tech guy whistled.
“Our intelligence says she’s called ’Darlette’.”
Hangin Tough
Predator Press
[Mr. I]
Legless Jim and I took charge of the barren Wal-Mart, and we immediately put the Greeters to work melting down the snow shovels and Twizzlers so we had some raw material to start a rather ambitious manufacturing project.
With China destroyed, there were no crappy electronics, cheap sneakers or horrible clothes to be bought; as a result, trailer parks were burning nationwide due to angry, naked, barefoot people with pit bulls.
We never even noticed that Sapphire was missing.
***
The Robot Dinosaur Overlord supervised his minion’s repairs personally.
“WHAT’S HER STATUS?” he asked.
“Well, she took some pretty nasty hits,” the tech surmised. “I’m seeing damage consistent with massive collisions, grenades ….”
RDO scratched his chin. “IT SEEMS WE UNDERESTIMATED THE HUMAN CAPACITY FOR VIOLENCE.”
“We may never know for sure, sir. Between the damage sustained and the various upgrades, it’s unlikely she will have much memory of what actually occurred.”
“WELL, I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO TESTING THE NEW WEAPONRY.” He reached behind Sapphire, and flipped the “on” switch.
“What is thy bidding, my Master?” she smiled demurely.
“THE IMMEDIATE EXTERMINATION OF OUR PRISONER, MAXIMILLIAN.”
“Sir,” interrupted the tech. “This will be in clear violation of our treaty with the Student Loan people and the Zombies.”
“I HAVE SOUGHT THIS TRAITOR FOR YEARS. MY INTERROGATION SPECIALISTS HAVE ALREADY DESTROYED HIS MIND. AS WE ARE ALREADY IN VIOLATION OF THE TREATY, THE PRISONER MUST DIE.”
Sapphire stood and checked the ammunition of her Winchester 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun. The magazine full, she cocked the weapon one handed, smiling.
“As you wish.”
***
Donnie, Joey, Jordan, Danny, and Jonathan ... and Joey and, uh, Danny --the ‘Interrogation Specialists’—had truly outdone themselves. The prisoner was broken within hours by extreme exposure to The New Kids on the Block performing live, and 80,000 coupons for Bed, Bath and Beyond.
After a few days, he was even singing along with them.
RDO and Sapphire entered the room as the group practiced their choreography:
“Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance
Don’t worry about nothing cause it won’t take long
We’re gonna put you in a trance with the funky song
Cause you gotta be... “
Drooling, a shattered LOBO sang along during the chorus in a pirouette inhibited by heavy chains.
“Hangin’ tough,
singin tough,
we’re rough,
Oh, oh, oh, oh--”
Sapphire shrieked in utter horror. “Oh my God!” she cried. “That’s not Max, that’s LOBO!
RDO turned and yelled over his shoulder.
”GODDAMNIT ERIC!”
Hands freed, a wild-eyed LOBO spat foam as he grabbed Sapphire’s lapel.
“Please,” he begged in a raspy whisper.
“Take me … to … Banana … Republic ….”
[Mr. I]
Legless Jim and I took charge of the barren Wal-Mart, and we immediately put the Greeters to work melting down the snow shovels and Twizzlers so we had some raw material to start a rather ambitious manufacturing project.
With China destroyed, there were no crappy electronics, cheap sneakers or horrible clothes to be bought; as a result, trailer parks were burning nationwide due to angry, naked, barefoot people with pit bulls.
We never even noticed that Sapphire was missing.
The Robot Dinosaur Overlord supervised his minion’s repairs personally.
“WHAT’S HER STATUS?” he asked.
“Well, she took some pretty nasty hits,” the tech surmised. “I’m seeing damage consistent with massive collisions, grenades ….”
RDO scratched his chin. “IT SEEMS WE UNDERESTIMATED THE HUMAN CAPACITY FOR VIOLENCE.”
“We may never know for sure, sir. Between the damage sustained and the various upgrades, it’s unlikely she will have much memory of what actually occurred.”
“WELL, I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO TESTING THE NEW WEAPONRY.” He reached behind Sapphire, and flipped the “on” switch.
“What is thy bidding, my Master?” she smiled demurely.
“THE IMMEDIATE EXTERMINATION OF OUR PRISONER, MAXIMILLIAN.”
“Sir,” interrupted the tech. “This will be in clear violation of our treaty with the Student Loan people and the Zombies.”
“I HAVE SOUGHT THIS TRAITOR FOR YEARS. MY INTERROGATION SPECIALISTS HAVE ALREADY DESTROYED HIS MIND. AS WE ARE ALREADY IN VIOLATION OF THE TREATY, THE PRISONER MUST DIE.”
Sapphire stood and checked the ammunition of her Winchester 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun. The magazine full, she cocked the weapon one handed, smiling.
“As you wish.”
Donnie, Joey, Jordan, Danny, and Jonathan ... and Joey and, uh, Danny --the ‘Interrogation Specialists’—had truly outdone themselves. The prisoner was broken within hours by extreme exposure to The New Kids on the Block performing live, and 80,000 coupons for Bed, Bath and Beyond.
After a few days, he was even singing along with them.
RDO and Sapphire entered the room as the group practiced their choreography:
Don’t worry about nothing cause it won’t take long
We’re gonna put you in a trance with the funky song
Cause you gotta be... “
Drooling, a shattered LOBO sang along during the chorus in a pirouette inhibited by heavy chains.
singin tough,
we’re rough,
Oh, oh, oh, oh--”
RDO turned and yelled over his shoulder.
”GODDAMNIT ERIC!”
Hands freed, a wild-eyed LOBO spat foam as he grabbed Sapphire’s lapel.
“Please,” he begged in a raspy whisper.
“Take me … to … Banana … Republic ….”
Tuesday
The Empire Strikes Out
Predator Press
[LOBO]
You know, were it not for wayne1960, I would never have known that the Plaid Elephant was there.
"Got yourself pretty fucked now," he says.
"This is nothing," I says nonchalantly. "You shoulda seen me when New Kids on the Block were getting airplay." I twist so I can face him, and then employ the Jedi Mind Trick. "You want to release me from these shackles."
The great Plaid Elephant balked, "You fool. The Jedi Mind Trick only works on the weak minded."
"--only works on the weak minded," I repeated.
"I sense a great disturbance in The Farce," says the elephant.
"--great disturbance in The Farce," I says.
"We'll need lots of peanuts," he says.
"Peanuts," says me.
"And I get huge royalties for showing up in this story," the Great One says.
"Not a fuckin chance," I says. "Got any peanuts?"
[LOBO]
You know, were it not for wayne1960, I would never have known that the Plaid Elephant was there.
"Got yourself pretty fucked now," he says.
"This is nothing," I says nonchalantly. "You shoulda seen me when New Kids on the Block were getting airplay." I twist so I can face him, and then employ the Jedi Mind Trick. "You want to release me from these shackles."
The great Plaid Elephant balked, "You fool. The Jedi Mind Trick only works on the weak minded."
"--only works on the weak minded," I repeated.
"I sense a great disturbance in The Farce," says the elephant.
"--great disturbance in The Farce," I says.
"We'll need lots of peanuts," he says.
"Peanuts," says me.
"And I get huge royalties for showing up in this story," the Great One says.
"Not a fuckin chance," I says. "Got any peanuts?"
Much Fanfare
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well bless our little black hearts, we finally made 10,000 hits.
Thank you readers, particularly those doing their psychiatry practicum on us: those government grants go a long way for pizza and beer.
Still, it's a little difficult to show our appreciation properly. Not really because of a lack of words, but because I'm chained hanging by my wrists in the brig of the Daisy Mae, speeding back to The Leading Edge of the Center of the Universe; it's hard to properly address my enthusiasm while having to blog with my toes.
I got separated from the rest, and my capture was brokered chiefly between the Robot Dinosaur Overlord and the Student Loan people. The Student Loan people, while normally a typical colossal effigy of government inefficiency, sneakily petitioned Satan and got my body switched back. And judging from the condition Princess Phoebe left me in, I'll bet Max is gonna be pissed.
RDO gets to torture me for the first 1,000 years, and then Dash and the Alien Zombies get me for the next 1000. Finally, the Student Loan people get me, and it's their distinct honor to perform the proper execution.
Ha! Fooled them Student Loan people again, didn't I? I'll never live 2000 years!
What dumbasses.
[LOBO]
Well bless our little black hearts, we finally made 10,000 hits.
Thank you readers, particularly those doing their psychiatry practicum on us: those government grants go a long way for pizza and beer.
Still, it's a little difficult to show our appreciation properly. Not really because of a lack of words, but because I'm chained hanging by my wrists in the brig of the Daisy Mae, speeding back to The Leading Edge of the Center of the Universe; it's hard to properly address my enthusiasm while having to blog with my toes.
I got separated from the rest, and my capture was brokered chiefly between the Robot Dinosaur Overlord and the Student Loan people. The Student Loan people, while normally a typical colossal effigy of government inefficiency, sneakily petitioned Satan and got my body switched back. And judging from the condition Princess Phoebe left me in, I'll bet Max is gonna be pissed.
RDO gets to torture me for the first 1,000 years, and then Dash and the Alien Zombies get me for the next 1000. Finally, the Student Loan people get me, and it's their distinct honor to perform the proper execution.
Ha! Fooled them Student Loan people again, didn't I? I'll never live 2000 years!
What dumbasses.
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Phoebe was standing over me as the ship sank.
"C'mon LOBO," she insisted over my broken and battered pile of hapless flesh and bones. "We have to fight Admiral Crunch!"
Prostrate, I mutter vainly through a leathery, swollen head.
"You can't give up now," she pleaded encouragingly. "It's like falling off of a horse. What do you do when you fall off of a horse?"
"You shoot them," I mumbles.
Beautiful White Stallion --spattered with oil and gunpowder stains-- was quiet until now, cringing under the closing explosions. "This guys a jerk," he concludes to Phoebe.
Goddamn it I thought. A concussion.
This has been a long day.
Above all else, pretend you don't see that damn polka-dotted horse.
[LOBO]
Phoebe was standing over me as the ship sank.
"C'mon LOBO," she insisted over my broken and battered pile of hapless flesh and bones. "We have to fight Admiral Crunch!"
Prostrate, I mutter vainly through a leathery, swollen head.
"You can't give up now," she pleaded encouragingly. "It's like falling off of a horse. What do you do when you fall off of a horse?"
"You shoot them," I mumbles.
Beautiful White Stallion --spattered with oil and gunpowder stains-- was quiet until now, cringing under the closing explosions. "This guys a jerk," he concludes to Phoebe.
Goddamn it I thought. A concussion.
This has been a long day.
Above all else, pretend you don't see that damn polka-dotted horse.
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Honestly, I don't think that crazy bitch Phoebe noticed the eight camouflaged elves with AR-15s and rocket launchers when they started their assault. She just rubbed her cheek and glared at me. "Oh, it's on bitch!" she smiled.
Jimmy Orlando screamed as hot, elven AR-15 lead darkened the skies. Armored little people in black started repelling from the upper floor.
"Back to the ship!" Brighta commanded.
***
Well, most everybody ran away to the Bloodlust like cowardly sissys; at least I have the distinction of getting my ribs broken as Princess Phoebe round-housed my limp, bleeding carcass onboard.
The last aboard was Brighta, furiously dueling with Admiral Crunch. The cutlasses clanged loudly as Brighta desperately fought to prevent us from being boarded.
But Crunch's Navy, simultaneously, was blowing holes into the port side of the Bloodlust. Ultimately, the grand warship was hit so hard, the letters "L,O,O,D, and L" fell off into the ocean.
Starboard, we saw Dash Cunning on the deck of an armored hydrofoil. Sporting his new bionic Brad Pitt legs and a pith helmet, he laughed evilly.
And behind him was the vast Alien Zombie Armada.
[LOBO]
Honestly, I don't think that crazy bitch Phoebe noticed the eight camouflaged elves with AR-15s and rocket launchers when they started their assault. She just rubbed her cheek and glared at me. "Oh, it's on bitch!" she smiled.
Jimmy Orlando screamed as hot, elven AR-15 lead darkened the skies. Armored little people in black started repelling from the upper floor.
"Back to the ship!" Brighta commanded.
Well, most everybody ran away to the Bloodlust like cowardly sissys; at least I have the distinction of getting my ribs broken as Princess Phoebe round-housed my limp, bleeding carcass onboard.
The last aboard was Brighta, furiously dueling with Admiral Crunch. The cutlasses clanged loudly as Brighta desperately fought to prevent us from being boarded.
But Crunch's Navy, simultaneously, was blowing holes into the port side of the Bloodlust. Ultimately, the grand warship was hit so hard, the letters "L,O,O,D, and L" fell off into the ocean.
Starboard, we saw Dash Cunning on the deck of an armored hydrofoil. Sporting his new bionic Brad Pitt legs and a pith helmet, he laughed evilly.
And behind him was the vast Alien Zombie Armada.
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I was only slowly regaining consciousness.
The Crone was saying something about 'The Dragon' destroying China.
"Does that evil dragon have a name?" asks Princess Phoebe.
"Yes," says The Crone. "His name is 'Scraps'."
Brighta tried to heave me onto my woozy legs. "So the dragon destroying China's name is 'Scraps'?" he asks.
"See for yourselves," says The Crone, workin the TIVO remote control. "They have footage of Scraps wading up through the Tokyo Harbor on CNN".
The actual footage was rather blasé and unspectacular ... the Japanese were kinda used to this sort of thing. But the point was well taken.
"We have to stop it!" says Brighta.
***
See, I already know this whole thing is a scam. 'China' is a made-up thing by the CIA, just like The Soviet Union, Vietnam, the 'Moon Landing', and Oprah ... It's all a vast global conspiracy to keep America livin in fear. Just like that 'World is Round' dogma.
C'mon, think about it: if there really was a "France", wouldn't we have just airlifted New Jersey over and dropped it on 'em? Of course we would've. In fact, I'll bet we would nuke it ten years later just in case any roaches survived ...
Balanced by Brighta, I blinked my blackened eyes open.
Princess Phoebe was looking at me carefully. "Are you okay?" she asked. "I'm really sorry about that. We're trying to save the world."
I mumbled something softly, and she leaned in closely to hear.
An that's when I jacked her up.
[LOBO]
I was only slowly regaining consciousness.
The Crone was saying something about 'The Dragon' destroying China.
"Does that evil dragon have a name?" asks Princess Phoebe.
"Yes," says The Crone. "His name is 'Scraps'."
Brighta tried to heave me onto my woozy legs. "So the dragon destroying China's name is 'Scraps'?" he asks.
"See for yourselves," says The Crone, workin the TIVO remote control. "They have footage of Scraps wading up through the Tokyo Harbor on CNN".
The actual footage was rather blasé and unspectacular ... the Japanese were kinda used to this sort of thing. But the point was well taken.
"We have to stop it!" says Brighta.
See, I already know this whole thing is a scam. 'China' is a made-up thing by the CIA, just like The Soviet Union, Vietnam, the 'Moon Landing', and Oprah ... It's all a vast global conspiracy to keep America livin in fear. Just like that 'World is Round' dogma.
C'mon, think about it: if there really was a "France", wouldn't we have just airlifted New Jersey over and dropped it on 'em? Of course we would've. In fact, I'll bet we would nuke it ten years later just in case any roaches survived ...
Balanced by Brighta, I blinked my blackened eyes open.
Princess Phoebe was looking at me carefully. "Are you okay?" she asked. "I'm really sorry about that. We're trying to save the world."
I mumbled something softly, and she leaned in closely to hear.
An that's when I jacked her up.
Monday
Predator Press
[Mr. I]
As Ethan watched oblivious from his skyscraper headquarters, his home was under attack.
The Keebler Elves had dug a tunnel into his cereal cabinet, and --once unified--hundreds of tiny evil commercial mascots of were paratrooping all over his kitchen ....
[Mr. I]
As Ethan watched oblivious from his skyscraper headquarters, his home was under attack.
The Keebler Elves had dug a tunnel into his cereal cabinet, and --once unified--hundreds of tiny evil commercial mascots of were paratrooping all over his kitchen ....
Predator Press
[Mr. I]
I was in a Wal-Mart when I got the call from Legless Jim, somewhat bewildered. For some reason, there was nothing on the shelves except snow shovels and Twizzlers.
“Man I can’t believe this,” says Legless Jim over the cell phone.
“Believe what?” I says absently.
“Dude,” he says. “Somebody stole Brad Pitt’s legs!”
Something is wrong.
Something is really wrong.
[Mr. I]
I was in a Wal-Mart when I got the call from Legless Jim, somewhat bewildered. For some reason, there was nothing on the shelves except snow shovels and Twizzlers.
“Man I can’t believe this,” says Legless Jim over the cell phone.
“Believe what?” I says absently.
“Dude,” he says. “Somebody stole Brad Pitt’s legs!”
Something is wrong.
Something is really wrong.
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