Nyx

LOBO -Predator Press

As I slowly wake up, how and why Barbarossa is driving me home from Vegas is growing clearer.

"Man," he says as I slap his hands away from the radio.  "These office parties just aren't the same with out Maddy."

"How far away are we from food?" I demand, scanning billboards.  "And who is 'Maddy?'"

"Mads!" he blurts in disbelief, like that clears it up.  "The crazy girl with all the tattoos?"

Vaguely remembering, I ask "How is she doing?  Hey take this exit, or I'm going to pee in my own car."

"Dude, it only has 16,000 miles on it" he concedes, eyes wide as he decelerates. "She got married in October.  Husband disappeared four days later.  The cops finally issued a warrant to have her questioned, but she violated probation … "  He does a flourish with his free hand. "Poof."

"Huh," I says.  "So Maddy is single?"

"She asks about you all the time."

Bucephalus

LOBO -Predator Press

Even before the door shrapnel settled, The Fish demanded "What the Hell is going on in here?"

Several timid musicians lowered their instruments in confusion.

"We were trying," explains one, adjusting his cello.  "To recreate the 'Ex Shriek'."

"The what?"

"LOBO doesn't know how to write music.  He does it on a laptop.  So he gave us a list of the sounds he uses, and when to use them."  Pulling the papers from his stand, he shows her.

"Whale fart, whale fart, … choking cat, ex shriek, ex shriek, whale fart, repeat …"

Then they started playing it.

"Oh my god," said The Fish, tearing up.  "That is beautiful."

Gallus Mag

LOBO -Predator Press

Gina busts the door open.

"You need to write something!"

I am luxuriating alone on a king size bed, with a fan powerful enough to levitate the satin sheets.

"Okay!" I says.

Rachel busts the door open.

"You need to write something!"

"Goddamn it, you people should knock"  I says.

Jiaying busts the door open.

"写点东西!"

[*sigh*]

I can't argue with that.

Liquid Sword

LOBO -Predator Press

" … because you said the brains I had went to my head ..."

AZ-5

LOBO -Predator Press

Like all good Americans, when I went broke I sold nuclear secrets to the Russians.

"This is picture of Chernobyl," observes Vladimir Dyatlov.

"Yes," I agree. "A very good one."

"It is picture after meltdown?"

"Indeed. That is why I am letting it go at half price."

It Could Happen

LOBO -Predator Press

"If I make bail, tell you where I'll go
I'm gonna cross the border into Mexico
Tequila's cheap and sunshine
-wind up banging everything in sight"

Dear Employer

LOBO -Predator Press

I missed work today because I was ambushed by a well-armed horde of hot time-traveling space ninjas. Subsequently held in a concentration camp for forty-four years, I escaped with only the cunning use of hair gel and a twig.

The world should be warned of this impending well-armed horde of hot time-traveling space ninja invasion, but as a matter of National Security, I need to conserve my energy in case anything weird happens. Am requesting your discretion via satellite, currently riding on the back of an elephant through Deepest Darkest Africa in search of the US Embassy. But satellites are really heavy, and my elephant is getting tired and cranky. I have to keep this message short.

The President, Myself, and the rest of the Free World all thank you for your cooperation and understanding in this matter, and I will check email as soon as I find a new elephant.

BTW, what do you people have against elephants?

Three, Two ... Two and a Half.....

LOBO -Predator Press

The Best Defects

Spiky

LOBO -Predator Press

It's Pretty Simple Really

LOBO -Predator Press

n the Seventh Day, God and Jesus were in the garage working on Jesus' Pinewood Derby car. Both were frustrated, because Jesus' healing powers kept making the blocks of wood turn back into trees. They tried everything: gloves, robots, idiots, dinosaurs ... but nothing worked, and soon the garage was stuffed with pine trees. This, coupled with the annoying habit Jesus had of making slurpy sounds with his straw, frustrated God to the point that He created the horrifically disgusting dump we all know as "Earth."

Inevitably Jesus, bored, snuck into the garage alone. And there was the Earth, sitting in God's vice grips, getting ready for it's last application of water sealant. Jesus, a mischievous lil scamp, paused from making slurpy sounds long enough to take a piece of ice out of his Pepsi, and dropped it on the hapless planet.

"Look out Noah!" he cried. "I'm killing the dinosaurs!"

Noah floated all over the place, and finally discovered America. And because he had all the animals, Noah quickly cornered the market on fast food franchises -crushing the vegetarian competition. This depressed the vegetarian Steve Jobs so much, he started working on computers. Steve Jobs would subsequently invent the iPod and smell bad and get boring. His company, Apple would go on to defeat the Pharaoh by dropping frogs on him via helicopter. While perhaps not the most effective method of warfare, it is certainly by far the funniest: after a few years that Pharaoh was freaking out. "Why are all these frogs falling on me?" he would demand from the Jews. The Jews, tired of cleaning frog guts off of the pyramids, formed a tax-free consortium and bought up 51% of Egypt in a hostile takeover bid.

The Pharaoh was summarily fired from the Board of Directors, and the Jewish community lived happily ever after.