Conspiracy Theory

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’ve been a fan of Jesse Ventura for as long as I can remember.

He broke ground in wrestling –it seems to me- by being a likable and flamboyant bad guy. The only thing better than seeing my friends’ wrestling heroes getting pounded to a pulp for their altruism was having it done by a guy wearing a feather boa and pink tights; I delighted in their horror at every opportunity.

But he was unlike most of your standard-issue wrestlers in other ways. In the late 1990s, America began its preoccupation with electing the cast of Predator. And during the traditional mud-slinging process it would come out that Jesse had an unexpected integrity throughout his dubious celebrity; rather than drinking drugging and whoring in his free time as was common amongst the hard-touring wrestling “athletes,” he would spend countless hours on the hotel phone with his wife. Uncharacteristically outspoken for politics, aided by a military background and a peculiar state of moral unassailability, Jesse would eventually be elected as the Governor of Minnesota.

Now I told you all this to set the stage for a commentary on Jesse’s new television series Conspiracy Theory -a show I’ve only seen once so far, but a show I regard as “must see.” And not because it’s good … to the contrary, you will spend every second of watching this show white-knuckled and thinking “This guy got how close to being president?”

Picture your grandfather. Okay? Now picture your grandfather at 6’4”, 270 lbs, wild-eyed and armed with a budget, SUVs, helicopters, the works ... and cameras following him 24/7, to capture every thought he deigns to utter aloud.

Jesse: What is this?

Tiny Guard: This is the HAARP facility.

Jesse: Let me see it.

Tiny Guard: This site is 'Classified.'

Jesse: What is the fence for?

Tiny Guard: To keep out unauthorized personnel.

Jesse: Well, a place with a fence around it suggests to me that you guys are doing stuff in there you don’t want the public to know about.

Tiny Guard: Hence the 'Classified' designation.

Jesse: Why is it 'Classified?'

Tiny Guard: Sir, you do understand the definition of the word ‘Classified.' Right?

Jesse: Hey buddy. I’ve been in the military and I’ve been Governor. I know all about ‘Classified’ stuff. It means you don't want people to know what is in there.

Tiny Guard: Good.

Jesse: So what’s in there?

Tiny Guard: Can't tell you. But it's very cool.

Jesse: Aw c'mon.

Tiny Guard: Do you have authorization?

Jesse: I certainly do. It's from the American public, pal. How do I know you are legit? Let me see some identification.

Tiny Guard: You don't need to see my identification.

Jesse: I don't need to see your identification.

Tiny Guard: This isn't the HAARP facility you're looking for.

Jesse: This isn't the HAARP facility we're looking for.

Tiny Guard: You can go about your business.

Jesse: Oh well then. I guess we better be going about our business.

Tiny Guard: Move along.

Jesse: Sorry we bothered you-

Tiny Guard: Nah. I'm kidding. This is the HAARP facility. I've just always wanted to try that. This job gets pretty boring.

Jesse: Dammit I hate when people do that to me! Are you stonewalling?

Tiny Guard: Yep.

Jesse: Why?

Tiny Guard: Can't tell you.

Jesse: Can't tell me why you are stonewalling?

Tiny Guard: Oh, that? I already told you. This job gets pretty boring. I'm a security guard at the remotest site in Alaska the government could find ... the highlight of my day is picking which tree I'm going to pee on. Sometimes I'll shoot the tree afterwards, you know, so there aren't any witnesses. Or sometimes I'll shoot the tree next to the tree I'm peeing on, and scream Don't make me shoot another one! Man the trees hate that. And then I gotta file paperwork at the office to report why I used all my ammunition on my shift again ... on paper! Isn't that ironic?

Jesse: I think it's ironic we're even still using paper. The environmentalists are right to point out what a waste that is ...we should breed animals to write on. That way, your grocery list actually follows you around so you can't lose it. And the skin grows back for new messages for free for as long as the animal lives.

Tiny Guard: Huh. I could make a whole calendar for trees I want to pee on and shoot that would follow me around? That's a real timesaver. You know, environmentalism only makes good sense if you think about it.

Jesse [to camera]: I’ll tell you what is really strange about this place. Ever since we got here, I’ve felt the oddest sensation that I need to get something.

Camera Man: Really?

Jesse: Yeah. It’s like they are using some kind of mind control device to get us off this site.

Camera Man: What is it you feel the need to get?

Jesse: I need, ah [rubbing temples, concentrating] that thing you put in your mouth. And chew.

Camera Man: Ah ... food?

Jesse: That’s it! [to Tiny Guard] Can I get 'a food' here?

Tiny Guard: No.

Jesse: Did you point some diabolical mind control device at me, making me want 'a food' so I would leave?

Tiny Guard: No.

Jesse: [glowering] Then I guess you know, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Tiny Guard: Yep.

[Smash-cut to Jesse driving away in black SUV]

Jesse [narrative voiceover]: “While my investigation of the HAARP facility has been thwarted by an unexplainable and irresistible need to acquire and consume 'a food,' obvious proof of the deep government conspiracy to construct a weather-controlling weapon …”

[montage of Katrina devastation, tornados, tsunamis]

Jesse [voiceover continues]: ... I got an important clue from the gang of militant thugs I had to overpower at the gates ...

[Smash-cut to Tiny Guard, waving as he recedes in the distance]

Tiny Guard: Bye Jesse! Come back next month. We're having an Open House!

Jesse [voiceover continues]: “... so I’m not done with this investigation yet. These people clearly have no idea who they are dealing with.”

[Smash-cut to Jesse rolling down SUV window]

Squawky voice over radio box: Can I help you sir?

Jesse: I think you can. And I would appreciate a little cooperation for a change.

Squawky voice over radio box: I would be happy to assist.

Jesse: I would like, ah [scratching chin], a Big Mac, large fry, and a medium Coke.

Squawky voice over radio box: Your total is $6.74. Please pull up to the second window.

Jesse: Second window? You know what? That was a little too easy. First HAARP makes me need 'a food,' and lo and behold, you have 'a food.' What’s waiting at that second window? Government sleeper agents? Ninjas?

Squawky voice over radio box: No sir. We will have your food-

Jesse: Ah ha! So you admit to having 'a food' here, eh? What do you know about the HAARP project?

Squawky voice over radio box: Sir, this is a McDonalds.

Jesse: So you say. What’s going on in there really?

Squawky voice over radio box: Cooking, sir.

Jesse: I’m coming in!

Squawky voice over radio box: Customers aren’t allowed in the kitchen sir.

Jesse: Says who?

Squawky voice over radio box: Our corporate offices.

Jesse [peeling out of drive thru, voiceover]: Dammit! As I suspected, the government is in bed with the private sector on HAARP.

[montage of Vietnam, nuclear explosions]

Jesse [narrative voiceover]: "Guided by my instincts, I took my team from the HAARP site in Alaska 3,500 miles away to where the real conspiracy lies, right here on this opulent campus in Oak Brook, Illinois."

Secretary: Can I help you sir?

Jesse: Well for starters, you can tell me everything you know about the HAARP project.

Secretary: Sir, this is Hamburger University … training facility for McDonalds managers.

Jesse: A training camp for raiders on American liberty!

Secretary: No sir. Strictly food.

Jesse: Ah ha! Then how do you explain me going to HAARP and needing 'a food,' and when I went to get 'a food,' I was nearly assassinated by one of your sleeper agents with a radio purchased by you? [Jesse throws receipts onto the desk]. Betcha didn't know Radio Shack keeps good records.

Secretary: This is a receipt from Walgreens. One box of laxatives, and a bottle of Viagra.

Jesse: Don’t try your fancy corporate double-speak on me. What’s going on here really?

Secretary: Training for McDonalds managers.

Jesse: Okay fine, Lady McDeath. Then get me a Big Mac and a large fry-

Secretary: Sir, we don’t actually make food here …

Jesse: So you are admitting on camera that this whole McDonalds franchise is a sham, created to cover up the development of a weather-controlling weapon for the United States government?

Secretary: Yeah sure. Whatever. Hey, am I going to be on television?

Jesse [narrative voiceover as credits roll]: "And there you have it -another conspiracy confirmed. Next week we’ll uncover explore the John F. Kennedy assassination, and how Britney Spears stood to make mountains of cash as a result of his death. I'm Jesse Ventura, and thank you for watching this week’s edition of Conspiracy Theory. Jesus Christ this theme music it too loud. And it’s cold in here. And do we really need all these lights on? Who pays this electric bill … ?"