Thursday

Synchronicity

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"So you got kicked out of California too?" says Ethan.

"Well, if you call being handcuffed into the luggage compartment of a Greyhound bus at gunpoint 'kicked out'." I says. "I considered it more being escorted. Besides, it was a mutual decision. I'm just too edgy for conservative prudes like that."

"You don't have many states left."

"I know," I says, setting my watch back to central time. "This whole country is going to crap."

"That clock is a few minutes fast," Ethan points out.

"Why is it," I complain, "that every clock in this building says something different?"

"Hey, feel free to fix them yourself," says Ethan dismissing me with a hand gesture absently. "You can't really travel much anymore. Might as well make yourself useful."


***


The reason Ethan gives me these technical jobs is because of they are often fraught with hidden complexities.

For instance, I would set the clocks at 2:35, but the Predator Press warehouse is massive; by the time I got done, the first one would be several minutes off.

In an effort to synchronize them perfectly, I tried running, but the Safety jerks yelled at me out of fear I would get hit by the swarms of well-orchestrated forklifts and equipment.

I got 16 people -one for each clock-who were all supposed to simultaneously set their respective clock when I stated the time over their radios. But when you hand 16 industrial guys radios, suddenly they think it's Karaoke night; I couldn't get a word in edgewise between the howling, tone-deaf tinny choruses of "I Got Friends in Low Places" and "Take this Job and Shove it".

The only way I'm going to be able to do this effectively is going to be by setting the clocks, and then turning them all on at the same time. And the only way to do that it appears, will be by pulling this 'Main Power' swi

Wednesday

Headless Chick Haunts Mountain During Blizzards



Predator Press

[LOBO]

As you know, I neither read, make up, or verify anything.

But it's all right there plain as day on Sarcasm Abounds ...

Livin Large

Predator Press

[LOBO]

So here I am at Qualcomm Stadium with the rest of the Californian evacuees, getting a massage and blogging after my yoga lessons.

Honestly, I don't know what those Katrina people were complaining about; this is the best vacation I've ever had.

For dinner, I had a 24oz brick of "Evacuee Cheese", and it was splendid.

The tan woman distributing the rescue food was obviously distressed.

"Wouldn't you like some lobster tail?" she asks, concerned. "Or some baked Alaska?"

"No thanks," I says, grabbing some eating utensils. "But I'll take a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew if you've got one."

"Aren't you worried about your cholesterol?" she persists.

"Why?" I says, looking around nervously at the crowded scene. "Are these infidels trying to steal it?"

"Infidels?" she asks, handing me a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

"Well, that's the only explanation isn't it? I mean God clearly hates you people." While taking a deep swig, I eye the inside of the cap. "Earthquakes, fire tornados, floods, tsunamis. Take the hint already, and stop hanging around here trying to steal cholesterol!"

"No," she clarifies, smiling politely. "I mean high cholesterol can lead to heart attacks."

"My heart is completely incapable of any attack whatsoever," I assure her. "I doubt it could even successfully lobby for trade tariffs. Now this here cap says I won a 'free 2-liter Mountian Dew'. Will you honor it?"

She nods. "But you should get some exercise and eat better."

"It gets cold out here at night. I kinda like that hot, burning sensation I get as the blood squirts though." A portable radio is blaring some fat sounds I like. "Who is that?"

"That's Given Up by Linkin Park," she says, handing me another 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. "They've been one of the biggest bands in the United States for almost five years. You've never heard of them?"

"No," I says.

"Not very hip, are you?"

"Maybe I'm too hip to notice," I retort.

"Are you even a citizen?" she asks.

"What?"

"Hablo un poco español; ¿comprende usted?"

"How dare speak to me in 'Tongues', you common Babylonian whore?" I demand, making a Cross symbol with my plastic knife and spork.

"Security!" she cries. "Security!"

"So where's your fancy pagan 'français parlez' now?" I demand.

God, I don't understand why these things continue to happen to me ...

Tuesday

FEMA Isn't Racist, Just Lazy

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Ethan says, "Go cover the story in California."

I figure cool right? Nice mild weather, tanned chicks in bikinis, sushi, and being harangued by anti-smoking laws. Bob Gucionne Jr just gave me $50 of blow money minus the shipping costs too; I figure I'm going to go see my "Brokeback Mountain Troll" script being planned by Miramax in style.

Well, it turns out that California is on fire.

I can't believe the sheer irony of my huge story being ruined by California being on fire.

Where the fuck are all the firemen, you hippies!?

Monday

Rear-Entry in Dumbledore Saga Jolts Potter Fans

Predator Press

[LOBO]

If you care about this, you're either too old to be reading Harry Potter in the first place, or too much of a paranoid homophobic religious nut to be taken seriously.

Still, I'll be looking forward to Book 8: "Harry Potter and the Brokeback Mountain Troll"

I've already drafted the sure-fire blockbuster.

It's amazing.

Even Ethan says I did a fantastic job, but the "Bazillion Wax Cauldron" scene is simply too horrifying; Rowling will want to 'soften that part up' a bit for the kids.

And I'm cool with that J; I'm not some snooty pantywaist that doesn't like people messing with my "art". You can do whatever your brilliant and lucrative storytelling heart wants to do with my ideas for the right amount of cash: bastardize it, change the ending, take pictures of friends urinating on it in the shower, whatever!

In advance anticipation of generous and substantial gratitude for my fine, exhausting efforts, for your convenience I've put the only copy of the script, my copyright application information, a half gallon of gasoline and a book of matches in a Overnight Fed-Ex envelope, pending only your cashier's check and address verification.

... But act fast: Bob Guccione Jr has already offered me 50 bucks.

Saturday

Predator Press Upset With Vista, MicroSoft, Gates

Predator Press

[LOBO]

This computer worked just fine thanks.

I know I can't legally say outright that Bill Gates has caused me so much excruciating grief over the past few days -what with these "innovations, enhancements and improvements"- swift and lethal payback is in order.

But we just bought this computer ten years ago. It was $350! And frankly, that thing was nothing more than grief.

Bill Gates has completely ruined the internet; this supposedly "modern" one doesn't doesn't even have a 5 1/2" disk drive or a 56k modem!

I know I can't legally say outright that Bill Gates has caused me so much excruciating grief over the past few days swift and lethal payback is in order, so screw it. I won't.

jerk

Wednesday

Weapons of Mass Dysfunction

Predator Press

[LOBO]

What? Too soon?

Mukasey: Torture Authority Memo 'Mistake'

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As Attorney General-designate Michael Mukasey was admitting that the now-famous document written by General Jay Bybee and endorsed by Alberto Gonzalez was a mistake, I thought, "well duh."

Wow. Memos are horrible and dangerous things.

WTG genius.

As you readers know, I already know better than to put anything really crazy in writing. So I'm suffering jetlag and airline-food indigestion only to learn once again I'm light years ahead of the government? When Ethan told me to go to Capitol Hill to cover the 'torture memo' story, I thought it would be a saucy sex scandal!

I got bored quickly. And God bless me Ethan, I even tried drafting a story about this guys' horrible tie ... but I was just powerless against the oppressive, excruciating blasé of listening to those old guys.

An irritated Secret Service guy nudged me rudely awake. Said I was snoring. I asked the guy if there was anyplace to get coffee, and he put his finger to his lips and 'shooshed' me.

No, I'm serious. The prick shooshed me!

He took a few minutes quietly explaining to me how I'm "supposed to be quiet," and "you can't get coffee during Capitol Hill proceedings," and how the porn I was browsing on my laptop was "offending the people behind me."

This guy must be just as bored as I am.

I decided to engage him in conversation. I tried to explain that the crunkly old white people here were pent up about porn because they had all the collective sexual attraction of a sardine stuffed the wrong way through a mallard. And that the secret to attracting these chicks is probably only wearing a decent magnet considering the bling on all the trophy wives in attendance.

And even as I was beaten and tased, I knew I was on my way to a Pulitzer ...

Tuesday

Frumpy Billionaire Interviewed on Larry King Live



Predator Press

[LOBO]

Were we really all that interested in the first place?

I would have gone with Danny Bonaduce.

Sunday

About the Author


Predator Press

There were a few "happy accidents" that caused this blog.

The first was the actual inception.


***


I used to be an insurance company "claims processor". My job, it soon occurred, was to find ways to deny insurance claims.

In my third year, some of my 'clients' were dead.

I knew them by name; I was familiar with their families.

Like anyone else that suddenly discovers their previously unknown rather ghoulish occupation, I started doing the heroic thing: I started fucking off at work. I remember blowing through about sixty claims an hour for maybe a month, approving every last one.

I got bonuses for record productivity.

In my ample spare time, I wrote gag "Official Company Memorandum", and push-pinned them neatly onto the company bulletin boards. Then I evolved to fake cutout newspaper articles about coworkers getting abducted by aliens.

For some reason, the company fired me.

The guy I base "Ethan" on drove me home after I was kicked off the premises.

We became fast friends.

And it's that same guy that courageously posted first on our "brainchild", in an effort to keep me writing.


***


The second "Accident" was filling out an online dating questionnaire.

Predator Press already existed, but it felt constrained. At the time, it was a blog as blogs are generally defined. In many ways, "LOBO" owes his mere existence over just plain snarky angst.

I kinda blew through the dating site profile questions, mildly amused; they all required answers like "long walks on the beach" and "cuddling with puppies". Bored, I thought it would be funny to fill out the whole thing like I was too stupid to know when I was supposed to lie. And having committed to the fantasy fully, I saw that writing like an honest and articulate five-year-old can be just plain liberating.

Thusly, "LOBO", the Snarquis de Sade is born.

And the girl that answered the ad?

I'm marrying her soon.

:)

LOBO Fails Drivers License Renewal

Predator Press

This is the unfortunate consequence of neglecting
to promptly turn off your blinker.

Predator Press Whores First Ads Starting Monday

Predator Press

[LOBO]


I'm proud to announce that Predator Press has finally found a hard-working, decent American company with a fantastic product that is willing to frequently fist us lots of money for talking about it.

The contracts are being signed first thing Monday, and the HTML buttons and widgets that you people will need should be available shortly thereafter (assuming this fat advance check doesn't bounce).

While I can't profitably talk about it yet, I can say it's a top-secret new technology that makes your Windows 95 desktop look like Windows Vista at the paultry price of $19.99 a month.

To be honest, I haven't tried it yet. I started the installation process Wednesday, and it's still downloading. Plus I hadda do a few upgrades because it requires 975 megabytes of hard drive space and two gigs of ram. And a video card and a monitor with video ram. And a new motherboard.

... But they're telling me it's really slick, and the ads all have scantily-clad women in them.

Next Year In Review

Predator Press

[LOBO]

After years of resisting Western influences,
Al Qaeda will struggle with the concept of "Bring
Your Daughter to Work" Day this April.

Saturday

New "Chick Magnet" Unveiled

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Behold.

Those NASCAR wusses said we shouldn't build it because it doesn't have brakes.

And NASA geeks said we couldn't build it, and the refrigerator in the background photo of the prototype was more aerodynamic.

But all we can hear over the 5,000,000 horsepower engine is soggy panties slapping against the floor.

Like the original, we haven't quite figured out how to make a full-scale mighty Chick Magnet V2.0 work yet.

But we can helicopter it in for $85,000 whenever you want to look cool.

Come to My Site, or I Will Kill You

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As a trained and licensed killing machine, I'm perfectly capable of waxing the four or five people left that stubbornly aren't reading Predator Press; if not for my fear of flying, I would've been in the Special Forces.

I once decapitated a guy with my bus transfer.

Friday

A Dark Matter

Predator Press

LOBO

Standing there almost at the top of Mauna Kea, I didn't know shit about astronomy or physics; I was a tourist with a telescope, shivering at the top of a mountain, gawking at the stars and planets.

I have found away to be cold even in Hawaii, I remember snarking to myself.

When my friends suggested I go to the lookout point, I figured it sounded cool. Pianosa is pretty damn flat; even if the space stuff didn't impress me, I would probably enjoy just the scenery.

But the problem is you don't drive up a mountain to see stars during the day. The journey was an excruciatingly long and boring climb into darkness, saturated with what often felt like forced conversation; by the time we got there I was feeling irritable.

And then I saw the Universe.

It stopped my heart.



***


Staring down at clouds with your feet on soil alone would have been enough. But the sky...

... I just cannot find the words.

There's a reason the Keck telescope was built there ... you can see the rings of Saturn with your naked eye. At my friend's behest, I stared at the celestial beauty through his $20 binoculars, utterly amazed. And in a strange confluence of fortune, Jupiter was in view as well; I hogged the magnifying lenses shamelessly while I watched the moons visibly circling gracefully around the magnificent giant.

"What's that dark spot?" I asked, watching a dark orb swinging toward the colorful, living surface.

"That's Jupiter's Eye. It's the largest and oldest storm in the solar system."

"No," I says. "I mean the one swinging around it."

And even as I said the words, the object swung behind the massive planet.

"It's a moon."

"Really?" I says. "I thought moons would have nice, tight circular courses. This one just kinda screamed in, and went behind it."

"Yeah, okay," says the guy, searching the spot with his own binoculars. "You're seein UFOs?" he guffawed.

"I didn't say it was a fucking flying saucer," I says, still peering through the lenses. "I asked what this thing is."

All of us ogled the sky for a while in silence.

"It's a moon," the guy repeats, packing his binoculars audibly into his belt minutes later. "Do you have any idea how large something would have to be, being visible behind Jupiter?

"Not at this-"

There it was again.

I stared at the arching spot for a precious second to assure myself it wasn't my imagination.

"There it is," I says.

I could hear him receding in the background. "Darting about is it?" he says sarcastically.

"No," I argue irrationally. "It just came around the other side."

I force myself to remove the binoculars, and finally face this asshole.

"Son," the rather unremarkable guy says loudly in the distance, slamming a car door that reads Keck Telescope Personnel. Lowering his electric window, he adds, "Jupiter is about 25,000 miles wide."

Disinterested, I return to the view. The thing creeps beyond Jupiter slower and slower, until seemingly to stop. And escaping Jupiter's ambient light, it was almost invisible already.

I figured we have about 167 days.

Give or take.



***


Six months later, I feel I have done what I can to warn everyone.

I have warned the "proper authorities" ... but no one will listen. SETI has blocked my calls.

I took up mathematics and science, and proved that -by virtue of the bending of surrounding light- a gravitational giant had been slung like a Frisbee from Jupiter at our solar system, at a speed of approximately 30 miles per second.

No one listened because my mortgage was foreclosing ... but I could not work.

And my wife was leaving me because she thought I was crazy.

And only now, now that a tiny dark stain is visible in the blue sky, do people peer at it curiously. It's the antithesis of a star; almost like a growing period, punctuating a gun-metal grey sky with violent green and blue lighting jumping and dancing for it.

Today it's unseasonably cool, windy and dark.

People will want to watch the spectacular show.

Many will be barbequing.

Wednesday

The Mattress Police



Predator Press

[LOBO]

This fellow blogger has written a book so brilliant, profound and utterly funny, I've only read three chapters and have already dispatched six assassins.

Diesel autographs them too.

Buy one quickly; they will exponentially increase in value by Friday.

Monday

Frivolous Exercising Slays One, Hospitalizes 302


Predator Press

[LOBO]

Once again, death and heartbreak has followed on the heels of 'healthy diet' and 'exercise'... and this time it stuck it's icy fingers right into the heart of the Chicago Marathon.

The crowd gathered as is their ritual: early, and positively seething with good health, vigor and Old Spice.

Little did they know that their unclogged arteries would only increase the efficiency of their perspiration.

Fewer still thought maybe they should stay in their air-conditioned cubicles making mediocre money rather than watching the movie '300' too many times and working their asses off for no money.

There was ample water and ice --initially thought to be refreshments-- and every last one of the runners were numbered: all the pieces of a well-organized and hastily preformed good-'ole-fashioned organ harvest were in place.

The parade of pink lungs, pristine kidneys and robust young transplantable hearts began their annual run punctually, too. They waved, foolishly taunting the onlooking sedentary and physically inferior misfits. And while the fans outwardly faked their cheering ever-so-brilliantly, all secretly prayed one or more of those potential collections of upgrades and spare parts would wander from the predictable route, into the wrong dark alley, and could quietly be "mitigated" to death with cinderblocks and pointy sticks.

If you think about it, the fact that the Chicago Marathon had any survivors at all was a miracle.

You health nuts and fitness freaks need some serious help. You mean to tell me nobody decided before running 20 miles to check the weather? Jesus, I check the weather just to get the mail! Try this you vitamin-popping cult-driven bran-pooping charlatans and witch doctor practitioner-types: it's called weather.com. Next time you feel the urge to, oh, climb a mountain, skydive or eat tofu, you might want to check it out.

If you don't know your zip code, somebody else at the office probably does.

Okay?

May God have mercy on your souls.

Idaho Declares Self "North Utah" for Duration of Craig Scandal

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"With all due respect sir, fuck Rand McNally."

Sunday

Hunting Technique "Not Sportsmanlike" Say Men


Predator Press

[LOBO]

"It ain't right," says Tyler #3.

"I get up at 4:00am, gear up in camouflage, and douse myself with deer urine every day. Feedin 'em a time-delayed shaped charge while wearin a pastel blue tank-top just don't seem fair."

Revealing New "Freedom" Burka Sparks Protest



Predator Press

[LOBO]

We all heard Mahmoud Ahmadinejad confidently proclaim that "Iran has no homosexuals."

... But a thought occurs ...

The History of Predator Press

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People always ask me, "LOBO, Predator Press is one of the most widely-read, respected and influential publications in the world. How did it all start?"

Well, it wasn't easy. Millions and millions of readers a day hanging on our every word and entire nations living or dying by what we publish didn't happen overnight. Indeed, cutting through the dissonance of a world gone utterly mad in search of The Truth has been a tough cross to bear.

And yes, the money helps. But when it all comes down, it isn't the luxury cars and women with loose morals that make us carry on: we do it for you, the Loyal Reader.

The events that inevitably culminated into this towering intellectual juggernaut pepper history like things that you might put a lot of pepper on. Like a good porterhouse. We are the pepper stuck to the Great Steak of Life.

A cursory search through a lot of history books revealed this to be true. Gleams of primitive permutations of Predator Press weaving their way deeply into the soul of human destiny permeate the earliest recorded events of humankind: King Arthur vainly sought his entire life for it. The Danes conquered Wessex in an attempt to possess it. Galileo threw two guys simultaneously off of the top of a building to discover it. Al Gore invented the internet, just so he could witness it wirelessly right at Dairy Queen. You know that whole "Burning Bush" thing in the Bible? Well that wasn't really us. But we covered it. The Freemasons used Predator Press as their secret handshake for centuries ... right up until we revealed that fact to our throbbing, seething hoards of ardent fans. Then the Freemasons hadda change it, and then those jerks all swore an oath of 'Eternal and Insatiable Vengence' against us.

I'm not 100%, but I think the secret handshake is currently 'Hi, how are you?'

... those Freemason assholes are everywhere.

Britney Spears "Gimme More" #1

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Pull!" demands Ethan.

I comply, and the disk arcs gracefully over to portside of his yacht. Ethan blows the thing into a hanging cloud of dust.

"That's 5 out of 5 sir," I says. "Well done."

Ethan lowers his shotgun. "Where did you get these 'skeet' things? My god, I can't miss!"

"Well sir, they're certainly not cheap."

"I can imagine," he says. "How much are they?"

"About $16.99 apiece."

Ethan reached into the box, and inspects one. "Hey, these are copies of Britney Spears' Blackout!

"Indeed sir," I reply. "A few more hours of this, and she'll go Double Platinum."

"Well, who am I to judge art?" he says, raising his shotgun to his shoulder.

"Pull!"

Friday

Sweet

Predator Press

[LOBO]


"Whore!" yells Phoebe.

"Slut," snipes Babs through bared teeth, closing the door to my office behind her.

"Bitch," I says, looking up from my monitor.

"Excuse me?" says Phoebe.

"Sorry," I says. "That's just a reflex. What seems to be the problem here?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is," says Babs. "Someone has hogged the entire supply of Sweet'N Low."

I blink.

"The world's most popular sugar substitute," clarifies Phoebe.

Now after a brief moment reflecting how Predator Press has no affiliation with Sweet'N Low or any of their fine products, I finally says, "What?"

"We're not getting anymore for weeks!" cries Phoebe.

"Well you sure seem to have plenty," says Babs.

"I keep some in my desk, " says Phoebe. "It's more efficient. That way I'm not spending hours trolling around the water cooler for the new guy in the mailroom like some floozy."

"Tramp!" says Babs.

"Lot lizard!" I says reflexively. "Sorry. I'm trying to work on that. It seems to me you guys suspect each other of hoarding all the fine product of Sweet'N Low."

"Way to go, Captain Obvious," says Phoebe sarcastically.

"Look," I says annoyed. "I was just writing a ground-breaking expose on how well-respected, admired and loved Danny Bonaduce was recently assaulted by some guy named Jonny Fairplay." I glance at my monitor. "I mean Jonny Fairplay? That name is so obviously fake. I think it was the Mob. Now unless you two are going to engage in a sweaty, growling, nearly-naked and hot catfight, I need to get back to work."

Babs snaps her fingers repeatedly. "LOBO. Over here. We have a serious issue. Predator Press has a thief in her ranks."

"But what about Britney Spears?" I protest. "America's Sweetheart is obviously now embroiled in some very strange activity. I have to engage in the futile search for other 'strange activity' involving Britney that might refute my story," I argue. "It's called research. And it has turned out to be very difficult to not find evidence of Britney Spears being anything less than a pillar of the community. I've checked all my reliable sources: television and the internet. Even Google!" I grin darkly. "Britney is revered by all. This story is going to rock the world."

Babs and Phoebe stare at me in disbelief.

"Hey," I says. "If it's any consolation, I don't think either one of you did it. I think we need to be on the lookout for a really fat cat burglar."

I feel myself go pale.

"Oh my God. Is Phil okay?"

"You know," offers Phoebe, "Bonaduce kinda sounds like a fake name too."

"Precisely," I agree.

"You know," says Babs, "I've often wondered what Britney Spears and Danny Bonaduce's love child might look like."

"Me too," I says. "But I don't see any reason to involve Nick Nolte in this yet."

My iPhone chirps to life.

"LOBO?" says Ethan between abrupt static bursts.

"Yes sir," I says, peering into the tiny electronic wafer.

"Did you ever get around to buying me any more Sweet'N Low? I'm almost out."

Monday

Baseball Needs Shot Clock, Bikini Chicks

Predator Press

[LOBO]

See that picture on the left? That's the last "athlete" Major League Baseball traded to the LOBOnian Baseball Syndicate. WITNESS how he is drowning in the acid quicksand cleverly disguised as natural turf! Just imagine the horrific screams I was too lazy to record and turn into "mpegs" or whatever!

While still looking for sponsors, players, a place to play and a network to air it, LBS league baseball games take maybe a half hour, tops ... even though they play until one team scores 100 runs. This is because if you hold a ball for 8/16th of a second, it detonates. Even if you're an umpire.

The LBS has an 8 millisecond 'Shot Clock'. This means that even if it's a 96 mph fastball, you gotta sprint toward it, swinging desperately before you are struck out like an inferior specimen and we have to weed out your loser genetic strain and pathetic, inferior DNA from the face of the Earth once and for all.

The LBS keeps a far stricter drug policy than its puny competitors too: in this league, steroid abuse is absolutely mandatory. Why not have the greatest athletes modern science can provide for the card? Enraged monsters with big, throbbing forehead veins wielding baseball bats have been highly-valued entertainment for the whole family for eons. Now you can see them up close!

And what's with this pansy 4 base crap? The LBS has 56 completely randomized bases, each requiring a vine swing over flaming pits of starving alligators swimming in hydrogen peroxide and gasoline, culminating into a dramatic, spectacular slide through broken glass and ignited napalm. And rather than squishing all our bases in the same place, we spread 'em out. I got news for you: unless 80,000 well-armed fans for the other team stand between you and your next 'base' ala Halo 3 , you're a puss, and that 'base' barely qualifies as a disease-riddled biohazard truckstop crawling with lot lizards and overpriced NAPA products. In the LBS, getting to a base is worth 9 points, and it is celebrated by fireworks, more free booze and meth, a live performance by Korn, and scantily-clad dancing girls ... just like when we were kids.

What the hell ever happened to the 'baseball' we all grew up playing?

Will Ferrell Edits of Colin Farrell Sex Tape Released


Predator Press

[LOBO]

SOMEONE GET ME ICEPICKS TO DEEPLY STAB MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EYE SOCKETS.

PLEASE.

NOW!!!!!!

Sunday

Aftermath

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Why do you keep screwing with Lindsay Lohan?" asks Nurse Garrison.

"Thut up!" I says.

"You realize she's pulled your tongue through your keyster, right?"

"Yeth I do, thankth."

The Final Conflict

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Lohan," I says. "I knew it!"

"Look," says Lohan. "See this hand?"

She shows me her gloved left fist, and then punches me with her right.

"I have nothing to do with all this crap," says Lohan. "I don't even know who you are. Now please stop writing about me, before my agents sue you into the Middle Ages."

"You don't fool me Lohan!" I says, sobbing courageously. "Although I would really appreciate it if you stopped punching me."

"Get back up you wuss!" she screams, kicking me in the stomach. "You're not getting off that easy."

"RDO would never threaten to ignite the atmosphere and wipe out all Humankind!" I protest though broken teeth. "I would delete his entire Halo 3 profile!"

"What?" I hear from my watch. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh yeah I would, RDO," I says into the watch, spitting dental shrapnel. "Just try me."

"You would sacrifice all my Halo 3 achievements for that scubby little planet?"

"It's your call Miss Lohan," I says, openly weeping.

"I'm not done beating you yet," she says.

"I'll wait," says RDO.

Welcome to the Fall

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Now that it's virtually October, that means that one of my fave holidays is coming up.

Really, the only thing that sucks about Halloween is that it also means I finally gotta take down the Christmas Tree from last year.

I can reuse the coal and cinderblocks, but the razorwire has somehow lost it's gleaming holiday luster ...

Saturday

This Land is My Land, This Land is My Land

Predator Press

[LOBO]

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan



Lindsay Lohan,

According to a web site I found, the United States --currently embroiled in a debate over immigration-- has 20 million illegal aliens within her borders. Stormtroopers are already dancing in the streets of Tokyo! Why have you convinced everyone that RDO is poised to ignite the Earth's atmosphere and wipe it clean of all life whatsoever?

I don’t know what evil scheme you’re hatching, but you’re scaring the hell out of Tom Cruise.

George Clooney narrowly escaping death by having a particularly nasty swatch of speeding blacktop crash into him 'an his poor motorcycle has your earmarks all over it: you ain't foolin nobody ... and I'm onto your whole "E Coli-China toys-Van Halen-George Bush" conspiracy too.

But for God's sake, why the stripper pole at Nipples Italy?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why Lindsay?

Why?

Was Star Wars "Empire" Victim of Propaganda?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Aging Van Halen Still Kicks Ass



Predator Press

[LOBO]

After squandering the prime of their musical careers over bickering, tantrums and infighting, Van Halen is once again trying to capture their unprecedented thunderous '80s inertia and screw the fans out of a few more bucks.

Van Roth is a strange and quixotic enigma, providing a groundbreaking musical genius fused with no professionalism whatsoever and a c'est la vie attitude toward their fans. This was punctuated loudly by ditching even their own induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year.

But the ever-inventive Van Roth has once again hatched a scheme to 'hold the ship together' long enough to squeeze out some new musical "art": this time they have wisely chosen to replace all the members with people that get along better

Don't get me wrong. I'm really excited that the guys will be picking up some new cars, summer homes, and "Mammoth" child support payments only previously achieved by NBA players. WTG and on with the show. But to be honest, I think I would have preferred a Pay-Per-View death match. You know, a "four men in, one comes out" kinda thing.

I think 'lil Wallety and I have other plans this year.

Friday

Bloggers Unite for a Good Cause

Predator Press

[LOBO]


On September 27, there was a lot of buzz about "Bloggers Uniting Against Abuse".

I kinda wanted to participate, but I couldn't really think of a topic. I'm pretty much a whore for the March of Dimes, but that hardly stacks up as "abuse".

And 'Abuse' topics are complicated when your blog's name is Predator Press; if I start putting up pics of abused and missing children, some whack job idiot is going to start misinterpreting stuff and bitching. Then I gotta find 'em, get their ass beat to a fine paste, and arrange their assassination as they are being released from the Emergency Room months later --way, way, way too much work that could be easily avoided with some prudent caution.

But I'm absolutely mystified I missed telemarketers: those intrusive pigs abuse all without discrimination.

I've screwed my share of telemarketers already: a buddy of mine heard me doing it, and has asked me to record a cd of it. I suck them in amiably, rack up massive purchases, and much much later --when it comes time for the Visa-- I just recite random numbers until they hang up.

But a day late for the "Abuse" stuff, I wanted to give you a chance to eradicate this vile pestilence scourge from the face of the Earth altogether:

After signing up at the Do Not Call Registry, in my "comments" field I want to share your collective anger, outrage and insights about telemarketing. I want stories, rants, fables, lies, plans, and outright outrageous creative thinking. I want fantasies about salted and rusty jagged catheters being torn out of their pasty and spongy, writhing, broken and rotting screaming bodies. I want smoky mesqite-flavored strategies involving gasoline and matches, and splatter-pattern jpegs from squishing them through a fine mess screen of acid-dipped razorwire.

This is my 'Cause'.

And I'm sticking to it.

Mayday

Predator Press

When Security Officer Rand took the job on the small mining facility four years ago, there were bad omens everywhere.

On the first day, the Chief of Operations gave him a tour of the facility. "Sometimes," says Doctor Richard Kief in a well-rehearsed, blasé tone. "We have accidents." Throwing the switch, the ore smelter screeched closed and a high-pitched alarm sounded. "It costs this facility $150,000 a minute to close these filters, because it stops production." Kief sort of spoke into the air around him, almost unaware of Rand. "I love to do that," he added.

As the searing liquid ore started to settle, the fluid became increasingly transparent. "Still," says Kief, "in the event of on ongoing Missing Person Investigation, it's company policy to look here."

Chills ran through Rand's spine, as he quietly imagined what he might see in there: the cloudy shadows of bobbing human remains.

Seeming to have read Rand's mind, Kief continues. "Depending on what cycle the smelting is, you're not going to see much left. Especially if it's been more than an hour or so. Probably just their gear if you're lucky." Kief stared into the glowing fluid.

"We have accidents," he repeated absently.



***


Four years later, Rand wiped the condensation from the cracked porthole with his thick glove, smearing it cloudy with blood. Seeing the station's wobbly, random trajectory and the floating debris of the station never failed to trigger a sense of vertigo.

He pressed the yellow button again. "SOS," he repeated. "This is acting Chief of Security Steven Rand of mining facility 77. We have been attacked."

The sound of his voice betrayed his fading hopes of rescue.

"I believe I am the sole survivor," he added. "Mayday."

Rand was starting to succumb to hypothermia. He wasn't shivering very much anymore. And he was getting sleepy. It was a mistake to sit at the console. Fatigue overtook him, and he pulled the blankets closer; this was almost a futile gesture as they no longer retained any heat.

"Mayday," he repeated, drifting off into slumber.

The sleep was not restful, as his mind churned the horrors over and over. Rand's mother called these things "Devil Marks"; the indelible mental leftovers of having witnessed a traumatic event.

There was no warning of the attack, save the moment when Kief blew his brains out with a .45 caliber pistol in this very chair. The attack came so suddenly afterward, the splatters were still all over the cockpit.

As for the attack itself, it was very surgical and precise; most of the station remained largely intact. It still held oxygen and it's internal pressure. But the inertial dampeners were destroyed, and the station could no longer keep it's "spin", and as a result there was no artificial gravity.

But the real danger was the hopelessly damaged temperature regulators; as the relentless cold of space overtook the failing heat in the vessel, any survivors --such as Rand-would be dead in a matter of hours.

They could just wait him out.

Tiredly, Rand woke again. He didn't know how long he had been out this time. Weakly, he rubbed his glove against the glass one more time, but the condensation and blood had frozen solidly.

As he leaned in closely in an attempt to peer through the opaque window, Kief's frozen blood cracked and snapped as is separated from Rand's suit and the chair.

Rand saw nothing.

Even the debris was gone.

He pressed the yellow button.

"Mayday," he slurred, before drifting into sleep one last time.

Wednesday

"Wicked" Cancels Iran Tour After College Speech

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Citing ticket sales that slumped faster than the bullet-riddled local fans, all scheduled productions of Wicked in Iran have been cancelled until Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "gets a full-body Brazilian Wax, and stops dressing like he's on Miami Vice."

Fans interviewed all over the world put down their frilly blue drinks and spoke out in a similarly unified determination. "If 20 more years of 'Cats' doesn't topple that scrubby little regime, nothing will."

Tuesday

Techno, Safari and Pasties Oh My

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When I heard about that missing stripper pole, I immediately recognized the larger potential ramifications.

Ethan bought Nipples Italy based on his keen scientific business insights and a predatory understanding of how much a guy will pay to see a naked woman: if those industrial guys at Zayne had no place to spend all their money, they might sober up, get married, raise families, and start acting responsibly; this would ultimately mean we would have to either pay them more, or shitcan the entire lot of them and find a bunch of other guys that'll do that work real cheap.

I don't know about you, but I'm not prepared to see the entire vital workforce of Pianosa unemployed and possibly assassinated in order to protect our trade secrets (as explicitly described in the excruciatingly small print of their contracts). Plus this might start a chain reaction that could shut down the entire nation, and a complete economic collapse of possibly dozens of other economic global juggernauts and superpowers.

I'll bet having strippers with no poles isn't even OSHA compliant.

I couldn't sleep at night knowing a tawny young Tiffany is somewhere baring her first public pelvic thrusts to a bunch of drunken assholes, and throwing her leg in the air during a pirouette to find no pole to support her balance! Boom! There lies little Tiffany with a twisted ankle and deployed airbags. And as 'lil Tiffany busts into uncontrollable flames, her hard-earned college money and diuretic suppositories scatter slowly through the air like so many flammable negligent little leaves ...

… You people have no idea what I go through in order to save the Universe.

Monday

$50 CASH MONEY REWARD


Predator Press


HAVE YOU SEEN THIS POLE?

On average, 12 Nipples Italy girls are bruised in dancing accidents every day due to the theft of this pole. You can help them.

* Last seen August 23rd at Nipples Italy
* Color: Brass
* Height: 8'
* Frequently surrounded by thongs, singles * Might be sticky
* Probably tastes salty
* No questions asked


ANYONE WITH INFORMATION SHOULD
CONTACT LOBO IMMEDIATELY

Okay, Who Pissed Off the Space Guys?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"What happened?" I says.

"I don't know," says Mr Insanity, removing his oxygen mask. "Why are you dressed like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like that."

"I always wear Spandex during intergalactic conflicts. You know that."

"Well it's disgusting. Shouldn't you at least work out for a while first?"

"I'm far too busy and important to indulge in luxuries like exercise."

Mr Insanity winced as he sat up in the hospital bed. "Well that's pretty damned obvious." He shrugged painfully. "I don't really know how else to explain it. I was dropping off Sapphire for her shift at Nipples Italy. We pull into the parking lot, and suddenly it gets dark. I mean like almost night time dark; the temperature even dropped a few degrees. We look up, and there's a giant spaceship blocking out the entire sky. Hundreds of smaller fast-moving metallic objects start zipping around, shooting everything." He swings his legs weakly over the side, and attempts to stand. "You know what I think?"

"You think it's Lindsay Lohan too?"

"No dumbass. I think someone pissed off RDO."

"Oh come on," I says. "RDO is a pussycat. This whole thing smacks of Lohan."

"Well, those ... machines blasted their way into the club, tore out the stripper pole, and kidnapped Sapphire."

"Those assholes took the stripper pole?"

Sunday

Predator Press Reviews: Blue Harvest


Predator Press

[LOBO]

Far, far and away the best Star Wars spoof ever.

-Set your DVR for "fun."

(God ... That pun was worse than "The Phantom Menace." I'm removing myself from my own link list ...)

Tales of Flesh and Steel


Predator Press

When Jimmy Orlando smashed into Templeton at 220 miles per hour, he was unaware of the tiny robot fly entirely; for all he knew, the sports car just violently exploded and died for no apparent reason.

Pressed for time, this is how Jimmy came to stealing LOBO's precious Chick Magnet and his beloved pet Phil.


***


Templton's damage was severe. He had pierced the radiator, the engine block, and finally lodged in the exhaust system of the doomed vehicle. And for almost a month, he lie there dormant and undetected.

The car was eventually crushed into a cube, the steel melted to be recycled. But as Templeton drifted lifelessly in the smelting ore, a back-up system of self-repair programming activated; one by one, Templeton's sophisticated sensor systems blinked and popped back into operation.

The process was slow and excruciating; dramatic repairs as such would typically require he be towed into a tiny hanger to be completely disassembled by busy miniscule emergency robot triage crews ... a process that would normally take several days if done properly.

But Templeton was on his own.

Fortunately -while not quite the futuristic super-alloys from which Templeton was forged- in a fluke of Cosmic Fortune, the alloys being created were some of the finest and advanced high-test durable lightweight steel ever seen on Earth.

It was being forged into stripper poles.

... And in an even more improbable fluke of Cosmic Fortune, this stripper pole was destined for a strip club called Nipples Italy.


***


"Sir," says the First Lieutenant. "I really think you should take a look at this."

"What is it now Eric?" says RDO into the comlink. "I'm not in the mood for any more of your YouTube crap."

"No sir," says Eric. "We are starting to receive some sketchy transmissions from Templeton."

RDO scowled. "Are you sure? We haven't heard from Templeton in months."

"It's definitely him sir, Eric insists. "And I think he's found Sapphire."

"Sapphire?" smiled RDO. "My, my, my. It's been years since we've heard from her! Are Sapphire and LOBO currently enjoying the rest of their blissful existence together as planned?"

"Uh," says Eric. "Sir, I really think you should come up here and see this."

Saturday

Animals Are Dumb

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"But I specifically told Thumper not to
make Predator Press his homepage!"

Census Reveals More Horses Asses Than Horses

Predator Press

[LOBO]

President George W. Bush prepares to mysteriously withdraw
a quarter from Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki's ear.

Landmark 'Halliburton v. Blackwater' Suit Filed

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"As you can see by my charts and graphs, Blackwater
currently holds the marketing edge due to disproportionate
liberties only enjoyed by MicroSoft and Pepsi."

Hindsight is 50/50

Predator Press

[LOBO]

You know, when we were nominated "Worst Blog of All Time", we figured we were pretty safe.

I mean, maybe we couldn't hold onto #1 forever, but we might drift into the 'Top Ten' from time to time and give 'ole www.virusspammingchickswithdicks.com a decent run for their sticky money.

Thursday

Jesse Jackson Calls for Halloween Boycott

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Unlucky!" he says. "That is how the black cat is regarded. And how is the 'black cat' always depicted? Riding on the back of the luxurious broom of some elitist green witch."

"This is just another example of the white cat exploiting the black cat, just as he has with the Siamese and the Calico. Heck, I'll bet the white cat will breed a blue cat and a green cat so's he can exploit a purple cat, and then have completely exploited the entire cat spectrum! Catch your mice my ass."

"--Wait. What color are those mice?"

Saturday

Movers and Shakers

Predator Press

[LOBO]

As previously discussed in a post named Zen, Ethan owns a small orphanage in Newark.

I manage it.

... As successful entrepreneurs, we feel it's important to give back to the community.

So when we were invited to the awards ceremony to celebrate our nomination for "Most Profitable Orphanage of the Year" we thought Oh cool, a free meal!


***


Tricking me to get there an hour before the food was served made me cranky. I mean I'm already a notable benefit to the community and enormous asset to the Nation; there's no need to drag me out to some ceremony where billionaire hot chicks can just plot and plan for me to be their "arm candy" like I'm just some piece of meat. I don't need affirmation, thank you; I get enormous satisfaction out just simply helping out those poor kids and turning out an untaxable $420,000 in annual profit.

Once inside, my ears were instantly assaulted by a live samba band in the lobby, afflicting the dense crowd of aristocrats with a horrific, offbeat stabbing sound.

--The maraca player was either drunk, or a completely ill-timed incompetent idiot.

Instantly grabbing a champaign bottle by the neck, I shatter it on a nearby marble statue and rush the stage so I can plunge the glistening, jagged edges deeply into the bastards throat. "You butcher!" I scream. You don't shake maracas, you blend maracas!"

While security held me back at first, the crowd had already turned on the inept hack; I was soon rushed up to try and rescue the performance. The lead singer tried to hand me his beastly maracas, and I almost reflexively spat on them. It was then I opened my briefcase and cried into the microphones, "Behold!"

As the lead singer's eyes adjusted to the glowing light, his jaw dropped.

I unsecured my maracas from the inside of the case.

They are hand carved from genuine elephant tusk ivory, inlaid in gold, and are filled with naturally mummified panda embryos.

... Halfway through 'Copa Cabana', members of the audience were weeping.

Friday

Steve Fosset Searchers Find 200 Other Crash Sites

Predator Press

[LOBO]

According to CNN, the search for Steve Fossett may provide clues to 200 other lost crash sites.

First let me say that in the unlikely I ever disappear in an airplane, dont fuck around: get those guys to look for me.

But at 200 people per, my calculatrons indicate that by losing a mere 117 more millionaires more we could solve the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle once and for all.

I'm recommending Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie for starters.

... Wouldn't it make for a kickass reunion episode of "The Simple Life"?

Who Knew?


Predator Press

"Well, I was surprised," says General Peter Pace. "Weren't you surprised? I was totally surprised. Who knew those ingrates would be pissed we blasted their godless sand into Freedom Dust? What a bunch of jerks!"