Monday

Vexed in Biolence

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Our email read:

"Dear Boss,

Everything is great. We balanced the budget: even excluding the eight cents made in May, you stand to make around two hundred thousand a year starting now.

All bills are already paid. In fact, we paid the next four years of Predator Press taxes in advance.

There's not much to do except count all this money over and over. Sapphire got a tattoo, but we already wrote it off in 2008.

We were hoping for the office Christmas party in the Cayman Islands this year.

Sincerely,

The remaining Predator Press Staff"



***


Ethan's eyebrows furrowed ... the email clearly smelled of Pina Coladas and sunscreen.

He pushed himself back from the desk and rubbed his temples under stylish, reflective, interactive x-ray vision sunglasses.

"A profit?" he wondered aloud.

"What the hell happened to LOBO?"

Sunday

Predatory Nature

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Sure enough. After two and a half years of more-or-less innocent blogging, LOBO makes an ex-wife joke during a séance and here comes Satan.

"LOBO" says Satan, well-fanged multiple heads swinging, snapping at him from all angles.

"I put the toilet seat down!" cried LOBO, shielding his eyes from the furious, bloodthirsty tempest.

Satan paused. "I'M NOT YOUR EX WIFE, DUMBASS."

LOBO cautiously peeked through his fingers at the scaly, seven-headed thing dripping blood from jagged teeth. "Oh thank Jesus God!" he says. "You really had me going there."

"YOU HAVE INVOKED AN EX-WIFE JOKE, AND HAVE THUSLY INSULTED MY ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR OF MARKETING WHO REPORTS DIRECTLY TO JOSEF STALIN."

"Is Marilyn Monroe still hot--?"

"SILENCE!" Satan demanded. "AS YOU HAVE SINNED, I CAN FULFIL THE DEAL WITH MAXIMILLAIN HECTORUS DEXALLIUM. HAVING SOLD HIS SOUL FOR THE HAPPINESS OF PRINCESS PHOEBE, YOU WILL NOW EXCHANGE BODIES AND LIVE HAPPILY FOREVERAFTER."

"Does he have high speed internet?"

"YES, BUT HE USES A MACINTOSH."

LOBO screamed.

Saturday

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

So we're all holding hands in a small circle.

"Jim," asks LOBO into the darkness. "Are you there?"

"Yes," says Legless Jim. "I'm holding your fucking hand, you idiot!"

LOBO gasps. "It really is Jim! Nobody other than Jim would know that I'm an idiot."

We all opened an eye and looked at each other.

"Jiiiiiiiimmmm," LOBO says with a ghostly Scooby Doo waiver in his voice. "We are calling from the land of the liviiiing ..."

"Yeah, if you say so," says Jim between Fritos.

"So is Marilyn Monroe still hot?"

"I guess," Jim shrugged. "If you're into skinny white chicks." Getting up, he slipped LOBO's hand into Sapphire's and headed for the kitchen. "Is there any more beer?"

"Jiiiiimmm," says LOBO. "You're fadiiiing away from us. Are you going towards the light?"

Jim grabs a beer. "Hey!" he says. "This is fuckin warm--"

"Oh my God Jim," says Sapphire, suddenly crushing LOBO's hand. "Stay away from the light!"

"Go to the light!" LOBO insists, wincing in pain. "And tell my ex-wife I said 'hey'!"
Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Too depressed to even defile any graves, LOBO wailed over Legless Jim's coffin. "Why?" he sobbed at the empty sky. "Why Jim? He was such a good guy. Young, vibrant ... so full of life and love! He had so much to contribute."

I put my hand on his shoulder, and for a second, his tearful eye met mine. Then he turned and shook his fist upward, "Couldn't you take Mr Insanity instead? I mean he's actually on the payroll ...!"


***


The Chick Magnet wouldn't start, so Sapphire drove LOBO, Legless Jim and I home. Legless Jim rode shotgun; he was developing a thing for the girl.

"It'll never work," LOBO whispers to me. "She might be a malfunctioning psychotic robot, but even with Brad Pitt's legs I don't think necrophilia is among her vast repertoire of neurosi and insecurities."

"'Vast repertoire--'?!" says Sapphire, slamming on the brakes.

"Hey," LOBO continues. "It's not my fault you're a psychological wasteland of irrational thought processes--"

Sapphire glared at him through the mirror for a moment in complete disbelief. Then, the overhead light came on as she opened the door.

"What he's trying to say," Legless Jim added, thinking quickly, "is that you are a very attractive woman that's just having an unlucky run right now."

She paused.

"Yeah," says LOBO. "You're a totally hot babe. There's absolutely no reason you shouldn't be beating guys off with both hands."

"We're going to be late for the séance if we don't get moving," I says, nervously close to the man who would soon be turned into a smoldering crater.

"Séance?" says LOBO, alarmed.

Sapphire shut the door, and activates the door locks, smiling coyly.

"Yeah," I says. "We're going to try to contact Legless Jim from the other side."

LOBO shrunk in his seat. "We're going to contact the dead?"

"Yes," says Sapphire, grinning. "Haven't done anything to piss off the dead lately, have you?"

LOBO couldn't hear.

He was loudly trying to chew his way through the car door.
Predator Press

[LOBO]

Receiving the news of Legless Jim's untimely death came as quite a shock.

Especially to Legless Jim.

"But I'm not dead," he would insist.

I took it really hard.

I couldn't even gloat.

Walking out to the Chick Magnet, my badass ride, I just sort of collapsed against the primered 1990 Plymouth Horizon. And for a long, quiet moment of serious mortal self-reflection, I writhed in the excruciating pain of tragic loss.

"But I'm not dead, dumbass!" says poor old Lifeless, Legless Jim.

His obituary was featured in the Las Vegas Times --along with the 1999 other brave heroes lost in the Russian invasion-- on page 53 of the People section.

My "WWID" license plate obscured in comet-like dust behind my car, Legless Joe incessantly badgered me the whole way to the funeral, completely wrecking my somber, agonized grief.

It's a good thing this disrespectful fuck is already dead, I thought.

Thursday

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

LOBO was so dejected from his court martial, Legless Jim and I were at a complete loss as to what to do with him.

Ultimately, we hadda take him by a cemetery to cheer him up.

"Pisspoor prototypes!" he cried happily when we arrived.

"Whatcha gonna do now, Mr 'Nuclear Engineer 1964-2003'?" he would demand, kicking over the tombstone. Then he would move to the next one. "Hm, Louis Pasteur ... I'll bet curing typhoid fever won't save you from this, you now-worthless dead fuck!"

It's good to see him happy again.
Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

LOBO faced his court martial with rather uncharacteristic dignity.

"So let me get this straight," says General Hamms. "In order to defend the US from a Russian invasion, you wrecked a 35 trillion dollar war vessel."

"No," says LOBO adamantly. "The superintelligent giant squid did."

"It says here you let him drive."

"I didn't have a crew. Legless Jim ran out of Martini olives, and everybody was ready to mutiny."

Gasps rippled throughout the courtroom.

General Hamms points at the court reporter. "Let the records show that the defendant --former Brigadier General LOBO-- has admitted under oath that he left the US Warship Johnson negligently out of Martini olives under his command!"

"Order! Order!" demands the Judge, banging his gavel in a feeble effort to reclaim decorum under the booing and hissing. "Mr. Curr, how do you plead?"

"Guilty," he says. "I fucking hate olives almost as much as I hate those little supremacist Cheerios. Both of them exploited the Spaghettio, and made 'em run casinos." He paused dramatically. "Can't we all just be a grey quazi tomatoe-pasta pizza topping that stays crunchy in milk?"

And so General Hamms ceremoniously tore the bars, stripes and stars away from LOBO's notoriously-itchy uniform.

Monday

Parting Schatt

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

"Remember this?" I demanded, kicking the old man in the stomach. I stuffed the rumpled paper into the old business teacher's face.

"Yes," cried the muffled voice. "It's a ridiculous business model presented by an idiot former student of mine. LOBO, I think!"

"Yeah, well he's a bigshot war hero now. So we had this checked out by Steven Hawking. It turns out you gave him a 'C' because you forgot to carry the one when you checked his math!" I kicked him again.

"Steven Hawking is a hack--!" wailed the sobbing, frail instructor. "A reckless mathematical maverick!"

"Professor Schatt," I continued, "for failing to credit LOBO with the delivery of eighty thousand widgets per year since 1997, the compiled interest, and the pain and suffering inflicted upon my client --your former student-- we hereby hold you liable for 352 trillion--"

"353 trillion," says Legless Jim, winking.

"--353 trillion dollars," I says, stompin on his lymph nodes.

"Let's go to the ATM," the broken professor whimpered.

Helter Skelter

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Look," I says, scratching 'cuz of this itchy fucking uniform. "We have a lot in common. You're a cold-blooded superintelligent, giant, evil squid and I'm a ..."

Uh-oh.

"... really ... "

Think fast.

" ... notorious ..."

C'mon douchebag.

"Douchebag!" I says, relieved.

The superintelligent giant squid eyed me warily.

"I'm serious!" I says. "When's the last time that Santa asshole showed up for you, hm?"

The squid's giant eye, hanging on an articulated eyestalk, was tearing up. (And for all you people that read books and crap, yes I know squids don't have articulated eyestalks. This is my story. So go read Quincy or something, smartass!)

"Well, this year would be the 25th Anniversary of 'Silent Night, Holy Crap'," I says in yet another desperate effort to get you confused new readers to go back to the March 2006 Archives link --almost directly to the right of this post-- when these fuctup plotlines got started. "And I've got a little payback planned out for The Fat Man."

The superintelligent giant squid squealed with glee.

"You want in?" I asked.
Predator Press

[LOBO]

MY mom taught me two things in life: never trust whitey, and how to use Morse code.

Unfortunately, the brain cells that contained that information were rapidly promoted to Respiration and Pulmonary Activity after that Def Leopard concert in 1984.

So I'm hoping I'm tapping out:

"Victory Is Declared! 2,000 soldiers deployed successfully. Without a single shot fired, they have melted into the Russian community. Assimilation is so complete, the Russians are already dressing and acting like our soldiers. Will drive the ship back to US when tide comes in. Also will want to talk about this Brigadier General uniform ... it's itchy. Plus I look better in softer tones apparently. Can I just wear a pirate hat? Anyways, helpless at sea with 35 trillion dollars worth of US war machine and military secrets, so hope to 'see' (haha) you soon. Yours Truly, Brigadier General LOBO."

When the Russian subs surfaced on the port side, I started getting nervous.

But when the Superintelligent Giant Squid snatched them up and gobbled them whole --laughing his mirthless laugh as the mighty hulls burst in his powerful grasp-- I had to change my shorts.

Saturday

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

The War Room was a living, breathing entity during the crisis.

"Sir, the SS Johnson has gone down in the San Francisco Bay," said Corporal Huett.

General Hamms scratched his forehead. "The Johnson? Isn't that the one with all those damned 'Village People'?"

It was almost a rhetorical query: he knew the ship's name well. For weeks he had suffered the sleepless, quiet dread of this particular aircraft carrier appearing on the Iraqi horizon. "How did this happen?" asks the General.

"The last report we have was from Commander Fritz. It details some kind of problem with configuring the tanning beds to the nuclear reactor." He pauses. "2000 souls presumed lost"

"2000 gay souls, right?"

"Presumably."

An officer wearing a headset interrupted. "Sir! It's the President on line three."

General Hamms sighed deeply as he picked up the phone. "Yes, Mr. President," he answered rigidly. "Yes sir. Right in the Bay." A pause. "2000 sir." He nods. "Yessir. All fruitcakes. Mostly democrats, and maybe a few bonus Protestants too."

"Sir!" snapped the soldier. "We have the interior decorator responsible for sinking the vessel on line four."

"He survived?"

"Apparently."

"Well get that boy out here!" the General demands. "He's a goddamned national hero!"


***


It turned out that the SS Johnson had indeed sunk, but the water was only a few inches deep. So LOBO stood staring out over a throng of pastel-colored capri-cut camouflage khakis and silk Aloha shirts as he received his telephoned field promotion to Brigadier General.

And sadly in front of 2,000 soggy seamen, he was ironically unable to think of a single joke to tell.

He picked up his issue of Playboy --LOBO was rarely seen anymore without a copy of Playboy or Juggs ever since the induction ceremony-- and jammed it in a militant fashion under his arm as he looked out over the bridge.

The visible billboards were all in Spanish.

LOBO doesn't speak or read Spanish.

So this is Russia he thought. A mere fifteen minutes at sea, and we're here already.

He turned to the group. "Gentlemen, we have arrived. And as the current ranking officer, I see no reason not to continue the invasion as scheduled."

The jazzed crowd cheered.

He turned to the bay, determined, and slapped the Playboy loudly on the wet deck.

"Alright boys. Start the musical number!"

Friday

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

So we're on the maiden voyage of the SS Johnson, and Private First Class Curr has been assigned to redecorate the entire thing.

After having it painted pink, LOBO added eighteen bars, four saunas, six brothels, a casino, two crack houses, and a Banana Republic; all of which guaranteed Predator Press 5% of the net profit.

The thing sunk in the harbor.
Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Sergeant Bellows looked over LOBO's application with a raised eyebrow. "In the box marked 'sex', you wrote 'often'."

LOBO and Legless Jim snickered.

"Oh wow that's funny," says the swiveling cigar. From somewhere in the smoke, he says "I've never seen that one before."

"Well, it's 'don't ask, don’t tell', right?" says Legless Jim.

"That's for sexuality."

We could see LOBO's dream of being deployed on an all-female aircraft carrier disintegrate in his glassy eyes.

"But 'please indicate your sexuality' is on the application!" he protested.

"Yeah, I see that. And you wrote 'flaming gay' ..."

"So I could be deployed with the hot chicks!"

"Whatever."

Well okay, now I'm curious. "But I thought your couldn't ask--"

Bellows swings the cigar into his waiting fingertips. "We didn't ask. We told him to fill out this application." Cigar in the ashtray, he leans back. "Look, how are we ever going to prosecute people for 'asking' if we don't know that the truth is? At least this way, if anybody calls Mr. Curr 'flaming gay', we can immediately shoot them because we know they asked."

"Hm," Says LOBO, now intrigued. "But what if someone calls me a 'raving heterosexual' or something?"

"Don't worry," I says. "There's no danger of that. In the entire span of this Blog, the only chick that even remotely wanted to pounce you got run over with a spaceship."

"But I'm not gay," says LOBO.

We all stare.

"I'm not!!!"

Wednesday

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Sergeant Bellows was a short, tough looking guy. Squarish. Looks like a bulldog twirling a cigar in his mouth.

So far, of all the potential recruits for today, he's only had to refuse one: some guy named Cunning tried to sneak in with a broken pelvis.

The quota for the day already met, he quietly listened to LOBO with some interest, leaning back in his chair with his fingers interlocked behind his head.

"So I got my cotton plants growing, and I'm trying to find polyester plants so I can just make the T-Shirts right from my house." LOBO strokes his chin in thoughtful distraction. "Now I'm worried about security issues: industrial and national espionage. With $200, I've got to find a way to get rid of those surveillance satellites." He pulls two tiles. "So I think What about the Venus Fly Trap?", he continues in animated triumph. "I mean plant a bunch of em around my place, and feed 'em live cattle and steroids."

LOBO places his tiles on the board. I-T.

Silently, Sergeant Bellows leans forward and places his own tiles --T-O-U-R-N-I-Q-U-E-T-- and after collecting fifteen more tiles, he resumes his contemplative listening.

Eyebrows furrowed, LOBO examines his tiles as he continues. "Yeah well, suddenly my commie-pinko neighbors are complaining," he scrunches his face in sardonic mockery. "All day and all night, I'm hearing 'they're too ugly', and 'the leaves are fallin in my yard', and 'has anyone seen my kids?'" He grabs his tile and spells O-N at the tail of 'bludgeon'. "And that's why I think we should go to war with Russia." He pauses. "You can authorize that, right?"

Sergeant Bellows builds on LOBO's "ON", making it PANTHEON. "Oh sure," says Bellows. The score is now two hundred six to eight in the stoic sergeant’s favor. "This is the Bush Administration. We'll just tell the President it was his idea in the morning."

The great cigar swivels to the other side of his mouth, "The president is always way gung-ho after his Pop Tarts."

Sunday

Semper Fi

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Yeah, well how are ya buddy?" I asks.

"Well, okay I guess," says Ethan over the phone. "How's Vegas?"

"Really fun, I suppose," says me, twirling the curly hotel phone cord in my fingers. "But we've hit a few little snags."

"You're going to make me late for work," says Ethan. "Gimmee the short version."

"Well," I says. "We crashed the airplane, Dash and Sapphire got married, Predator Press is 352 trillion dollars in the hole, and Russia has declared war on us."

"Dash and Sapphire?"

"Yeah. Weird, eh?"

"Well, try and have a good time. And stay out of trouble."

LOBO winced. "Would enlisting in the United States Marines constitute trouble? We're hammering out an alliance with a recruiter right now." LOBO turns the mouthpiece away and winks at the recruiter. "This'll only take a sec."

"You're enlisting?" says Ethan.

"Well, I'm at war with Russia, and it turns out these 'Marine' guys have a lot of stuff to have wars with. I mean these guys are way beyond us when it comes to planet-busting. Seems like a no-brainer."

"Well," says Ethan. "Go ahead. But if you do go full-on Global Thermonuclear don't touch anything until I get there."

"Deal!" I says excitedly.

***


Ethan was now very late. He poured his coffee into a plastic 'commuter' cup, and --short of time-- he skipped his breakfast cereal in favor of some granola bars in a box on the kitchen counter.

And for a strange moment, he would have sworn he heard the word "Wuss!", taunting him from the cereal cabinet ...

Saturday

We Will Fight in the Shade

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Legless Jim read the headline from May 13:

"Putin Calls USA 'Hungry Wolf
that Eats and Listens to no One'"

LOBO freaked.

"Look!" he insists. "We were all hammered at Froggo's pad, and after three in the morning I can't remember a damn thing. I woke up on the tennis court, half-naked and covered in lipstick and whipped cream."

"Uh huh," says Legless Jim.

LOBO looks at his boots in shame. "Suddenly, Argentina was legislating UN sanctions against me." He sobs into his hands. "I swear to God I didn't know that was Putin's whipped cream!"

"Take it easy man," says Legless Jim. "I mean it's the UN for Chrissake. It's not like it's Rent a Center ..."

"Take it easy?" says LOBO, wiping tears. "Russia just declared war on me! I love Russia! Russia is second-to-none when it comes to--" He pauses, thinking.

He looks to me, but I got nothing.

"Alright," he says finally, tears drying. "Screw those bastards."

"So you're going to war with Russia now?" I says.

"Don't be silly," he replies. "I can't whip Russia by myself." He throws his arm over our shoulders.

"We're going to war with Russia."

Monday

Something Else

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Admiral Crunch, surly, cracked the whip on Lucky the Leprechaun with an animal ferocity.

From Admiral Crunch's brig, deep in the belly of the ship, Lucky's cries could be heard for a half a mile.

In defeated agony, Lucky hung limply, wrists tied overhead. His back was exposed --green jacket stripped open in the back-- revealing bloody, inflamed crisscrossing tears zig-zag the pale flesh. Salty sweat poured into the deep wounds, and Lucky's legendary Irish pride and defiance completely collapsed as he sobbed openly, begging for mercy.

"Feelin 'lucky' now, bitch?" growled the newly-promoted Admiral.

"Sir," Mr. Armani interrupted timidly. "We have evidence that Predator Press is on the verge of bankruptcy."

Admiral Crunch's eyes narrowed as he paused. He rolled up the whip and put it on the table, calmly measured, thinking quietly. "You have proof of this?" he asked in a barely-controlled voice.

"Oh yes!" says Mr. Armani. "They just posted about it earlier today." He turns his monitor so the enraged Admiral could see it better. Then he double-clicks his Explorer icon, prompting an AOL logon screen. "This might take a bit."

"Bankruptcy, eh?" asked the Admiral, twirling his singed mustache.

"Yes," says Mr. Armani. "And LOBO is right here in Vegas, even as we speak!"

"LOBO's an idiot," said the Admiral coolly. "What we have to do is put a stop to this nonsense forever."

Mr. Armani smiled. "I agree."

"Find me Mister and Misses Dash Cunning," commands Crunch.

"And have them dispatch of LOBO sir?"

"No you fool. We have to kill this beast right at the head." He draws his cutlass and holds it to Mr. Armani's throat.

"We're going to have to kill Ethan."

Cheap Thrills

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

I'm forced to admit that without Dash haranguing us on expenses, we've been taking certain "liberties" with the Predator Press budget.

Legless Jim, a whiz with numbers, rapidly typed into the calculator. Finally, he rips off the tape and inspects the digits at the bottom.

He whistles.

"Says here Predator Press operates at a deficit of roughly three hundred and fifty-two trillion dollars annually."

"Wow," says LOBO, despondent. "A few more years of that and we'll really be screwed."

"We could have a bake sale," I says.

"Can any of us cook?"

The three of us looked at each other.

"Not me," says LOBO. "When I poured milk on my Cap'n Crunch this morning, it burst into flames." He started pacing the floor. "It worked out okay for the Captain, though. He got a Purple Heart, a Distinguished Service medal, and was ultimately promoted to Admiral."

He stops and whirls on us. "C'mon guys. This is serious. If Predator Press goes belly up, the entire internet will collapse under the vacuum in a fiery hellstorm of molten plastic, cheap Ebay crap and junk email ... Kids'll start going back to books an learnin stuff, reckessly doin shit-tons of homework instead of downloading illegal music and pornography from chatrooms loaded with creepy perverts. We need a good, solid plan. Humanity is depending on us!"

Legless Jim scratched his chin. "Why is it I have the feeling that we'll sit here brainstorming for hours, and this feeble plotline will never even come up again?"

"Oooooo look!," exclaims LOBO. "A shiny object!"

Runnin With the Anvil

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

"Nope. Dead, dead, dead", said Legless Jim as he read through the newspaper. "Says here the guy whacked an exports magnate ‘an stole over two million bucks. And then the dumbass goes and overdoses in a motel room."

"Thank God," says LOBO reading over his shoulder. Ethan has given me strict orders not to let LOBO read the newspaper without supervision; last time he did, he got a paper cut on his thumb and had to wear a giant cone on his neck to stop him from chewing on it. "This guy was obviously a menace to society."

In the casino lobby, they were filming a new episode of The Shield, and we were invited to watch. In this episode, David Lee Roth was introduced as the newest member of the "Strike Team".

"Wow guys!" says DLR, reading the teleprompter. "Thanks to me, we're the biggest, sexiest, wealthiest, most effective law enforcement unit in the whole world. Nothing can stop us now!"

Then, from behind, Lemonhead puts a pillowcase over Diamond Dave's head, and Vic and Shane beat him to death with shovels.


***


Among Dave's entourage, a bevy of beautiful babes, one girl recognizes LOBO.

"Aren't you--?"

"Never seen you before," insists LOBO, nervous.

"No, you're that guy from--"

"No I'm not," he says emphatically. "You must be mistaken."

"No," she smiles. "You're 'Bolt Upright', the mailman in The Hills and Thighs!"

LOBO sighed. "Traci Lords promised me I would get an Emmy --or something that kinda rhymes with it-- if I just rang the doorbell with a certified letter. But then Jeanna Jameson and Catalina Cruz took off their clothes and started making out."

We were amazed. "Well, what happened then?" I asked.

"I reported them for postal fraud."

Sunday

The Last Command

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Out on the Las Vegas city limits, The Hotel Palm was quite detached from the glitz and glamour. In fact, were there not slot machines in the lobby, you might guess you were in the middle of Arizona.

It was three in the morning, but Sandra wore sunglasses to cover her badly-bruised face. Indeed, with the dark wig and trench coat, she looked rather like a Russian spy in a bad "B" movie.

She found the elevator and the stairs roughly at the same time.

On a gut-level instinct, she chose to take the stairs.


***


In the still night, Dean easily heard the car door outside. Heart racing, he flipped the safety on the stolen nine millimeter. A large man, he crouched --almost impossibly small-- in the corner behind the door.

In the dark, he held the gun in both hands as he listened.

Sandra tapped lightly. "Dean!" she whispered, afraid. She knew the gun was pointed at her. "It's me."

Dean flicked the safety back on and stood. This certainly could be a setup. But he was now a wanted thief and a killer; even if Sandra betrayed him, he wouldn't endanger her in a firefight. Summoning his courage, he cracked the door open.

And a battered, barefoot Sandra stood there alone.

"Baby," he said pulling her into the small room. Locking the door behind him, he kissed her forehead, her diminutive frame disappearing almost completely in his bear-like embrace. "He can't hurt you anymore. He's gone."

She sobbed into his chest.

"You shouldn't have come here baby. Were you followed?"

"No."

She could smell the recently-fired gun as he tucked it in his jeans. He gently pulled the wig away, the glasses, looking at the inflamed cuts and swollen bruises carefully, consciously trying not to wince. He had never actually met Sandra before, and he mirthlessly mused that a savage monster had ironically rendered her so he never would see her beauty.

As the poor lighting brought his face close to hers, Sandra laughed a little, embarrassed. "I'll be okay in a few days."

Wondering if she had more injuries, Dean opened the trench coat. She wore nothing underneath but a tattered silk blouse. Buttons torn away, the blouse did little to cover her ample breasts.

Instantly erect, Dean pushed her back on the bed.

"Wait," she protested.

In the darkness, he followed her smooth athletic thighs with large, powerful hands, finding her soft clit. Fingertips tracing over the soft, wet flesh --it was either shaved or extremely trim; he couldn't tell, and did not care-- he kissed his way closer, drinking in her sweet, natural aroma. Her hard thighs locked tightly around his head as he sucked her off. She climaxed, quickly and violently against his face.

Another car door slam.

"Goddamn it!" says Dean, rising to his feet. "What the hell am I doing?" he asks the air, furious with himself.

Sandra pulled the long coat around her as she sat up, confused.

Fearfully, he peeks out from behind the curtain on the window. "Baby, I'm a wanted man by a lot of really pissed-off people. We shouldn't be together right now." He watches four plain-clothed cops get out of the car, heading for the motel registration office.

You always can tell a cop by how he sizes up a situation.

"It's dangerous," he continued. Unexpectedly, he turns on the light. "Do you have your passport?"

Sandra pats her coat pocket. "Yes".

Kneeling, Dean slides out a black briefcase from under the bed. And then another, similar. "It would be smart to separate the cash too." He flips one open, revealing half of 2.2 million dollars. "Now we have to do this as planned. Get your ass out of here and meet me in Rio, one month from today."

As she gathered herself, he handed the closed bag to her. Kissing her gently on a bruised lip, he whispered, "I love you."

The door clicked shut, and from behind the window's curtain Dean watched her slink into the darkness. The police, still in the office, were probably not expecting to actually find him here in a place so painfully obvious. That was the one advantage of the cops finding him first. The mob would have already posted thugs.

The cops were muddying up the mob search by virtue of merely being present.


***


In the bathroom, he quickly liquefied a rather large and lethal dose of heroin. While Dean had never actually done heroin before, during his time in prison he had gleaned enough about the subject from addicts to be familiar with the subject.

And connections for that matter.

He tied the small rubber tourniquet over his elbow, and patted for a visible vein. With the hypodermic --almost cartoonishly small in his nervous fingers-- he went back to the hotel bed where over a million dollars cash lie exposed to all in a carelessly sprawled briefcase.

A loud bang issued at the door. "Open up!" said the forceful, disembodied voice. "It's the police!"

Finishing the hypo plunge took great concentration. Dean had never administered a shot on himself before.

"We know you're in there!"

A sweet-tasting cottony sensation came over Dean's mouth.

"Go ahead," the faraway voice commanded. "Break it down."

Dean's room imploded, a fantastic display of frantic light and color. Surrounded, he looks up smiling as one of the cops climbs on his massive chest in an attempt to revive him.

Trail ends here officer, he grins helplessly, fading.

And I ain't telling you shit.

Saturday

Predator Press

[LOBO]


"Oh holy crap is this armor itchy" said Jimmy Orlando, standing like a crucified Christ as aides removed his complex armor. "And who the hell was that slob playing The Black Knight this week?" he demands.

"Hayden Christiansen sir", says the guy removing his plastic carapace.

"Well someone tell that hack that it's 'spin, thrust, turn' not 'spin, thrust, compile grocery list'," says Jimmy Orlando. "Had he ever leaned to read, he could plainly see that in the script!"

Taking a glass from a flunky, he drank deeply. Scowling suddenly, spat it over it's deliverer. "What the hell is this?" he growled. "Desani?"

"No you bitch," says Chip, dripping. He smiles reassuringly, tilting his hips. "Would it cheer you up to know that Fritz sent you flowers this morning?"

"Oh that Fritz," said Jimmy, swooning slightly. "I'll bet it's an apology for all that 'sex-change' nonsense."

"Jimmeee," said the handler removing his codpiece, concerned. "You're bleeding".

Jimmy Orlando rolled his eyes. "Well I'm not surprised, being forced to work with no-name incompetent talentless 'acting' swill." He sees a single drop of blood roll down his thigh from a quarter-inch cut. "You can bet this Heyman Christmasman will ... never work ... in ... Vegas ... aga--"

Jimmy Orlando fainted.