"Mercury Falls Is Awesome" Claims Douchebag Author
-or "WTG, Dumbass"
Predator Press
[LOBO]
From: Diesel
To: LOBO
Subject: RE: Final
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:29:19 -0800
Dude, I was joking. I was being hostile on purpose. As a joke. Because I was joking. Apparently the joke didn't work.
It seems like pretty much every email exchange I have with you ends up with you getting all hurt for some reason. It's like you're a girl or something.
If you don't think it's funny, then I can do it over. But don't be a girl. I don't have the energy to deal with that right now.
Anyway, it's your blog. Do what you want.
Cheers,
Rob "Diesel" Kroese
From: LOBO
Sent: Wednesday, November 11, 2009 9:15 PM
To: Rob Kroese (Diesel)
Subject: Final
Q1: "Hemingway" spelling would be corrected in final - this was a rough
Q7: Ignored?
Q 6, 10, and 11: I have to incorporate this into a dialog. And is the mom stuff necessary? Really? -In this "interview" you have already stated "if you can go to hell for being stupid, make sure you say hi to him for me when you get there," and asserted "Blog readers are total deadbeats who expect everything for free. Except yours. Yours are awesome." And I can write out the questions [5&6] centering on the answer " Can you get the grizzly bears to ask me stupid questions? It helps my motivation." But collectively, with the "mom" stuff, it all seems hostile.
Still, with the exception of Q1, I can roll as-is. I'll make it work.
-Is there any chance you can tackle this in a better mood? Or did I approach this wrong? I haven't read MF yet, and was confident I was firing on all pistons despite that.
I hope Mark Rayner has a better experience ... I suck at this "tour" thing.
From: Diesel
To: LOBO
Subject: RE: Current Version
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:50:00 -0800
Angry? No, I thought it was pretty funny. If you think it's too harsh, I can tone it down a bit, but I was just having fun. :)
Cheers,
Rob "Diesel" Kroese
From: LOBO
Sent: Wednesday, November 11, 2009 2:37 PM
To: Rob Kroese (Diesel)
Subject: RE: Current Version
Are u angry? I didn't expect to have to cough something up overnight ... was working fast
From: Diesel
To: LOBO
Subject: RE: Current Version
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:52:20 -0800
Here you go, dude. Let me know if you don't like the mom jokes.
The ditch digger post is here: http://mattresspolice.com/default.aspx/Can-you-dig-it?PostID=148
Thanks!
Diesel
From: LOBO
Sent: Wednesday, November 11, 2009 1:07 PM
To: Rob Kroese (Diesel)
Subject: Current Version
Only difference is a new question [search "**" ], and I changed "Mercury Falls Tribute Band" to "Mercury Falls Musical" ["***"]
-I will still need the "Ditch Digger" link
Predator Press Interviews: Rob "Diesel" Kroese
Predator Press
[LOBO]
If I thought getting an interview with Diesel last year was difficult, since the official release of Mercury Falls it has become nigh impossible: the success has brought him a bigger and smarter entourage, more airtight Temporary Restraining Orders, and a spiff new car alarm –thusly obviating one of my favorite ambush methods, and forcing me to pay for accommodations.
LOBO: Diesel! Imagine seeing you here!
Rob Kroese: You’re on my porch.
LOBO: I’ve been here since Friday. I was hoping to catch an interview.
Rob Kroese: What is that you’re wearing?
LOBO: It’s a Ghillie suit made of almond trees I found.
[Main body of “interview” –you can skip questions you don’t want to answer]
Q1: I haven’t yet read Mercury Falls, but your first book Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police was hilarious. And if you remember, I warned you if Antisocial Commentary was too good, they would probably make you write another. They made this guy Hemmingway write like three books. I don’t know how any mortal human could endure even reading three books, let alone writing three. Have you learned your lesson?
A: Hemingway only has one 'm'. I could hear you misspelling it. That's how good I am.
Q2: Is the religious component of Mercury Falls –which seems a strange contrast to Antisocial Commentary- an illustration of your guilt-riddled feelings in regard to how you exploited the ditch-digger*, and an attempt to obviate what will doubtlessly lead to your own personal Eternal Damnation?
A: Yeah, I feel pretty bad about what an idiot that kid was. If it turns out that you can go to hell for being stupid, make sure you say hi to him for me when you get there.
Q3: Doesn’t the fact that people are putting pineapple on pizzas and carrots in cake make this whole “Apocalypse” thing kinda passé?
A: What? Sorry, I was checking my gopher trap. That sausage isn't going to make itself.
Q4: ** Does it help selling your book on your blog? I'm trying to sell my mp3s, but everyone says it sounds like ABBA boiling cats.
A: No. Blog readers are total deadbeats who expect everything for free. Except yours. Yours are awesome.
Q5: You’ve now built a house by hand, created Humor-Blogs, and written two books. What’s next? Have you considered wrestling grizzly bears? I’ve always thought there was a huge unanswered demand for grizzly bear wrestling.
A: Can you get the grizzly bears to ask me stupid questions? It helps my motivation.
[regardless of answer]
Q6: I think a book about a grizzly bear wrestler would be an overnight success. Especially if the guy was an astronaut -a guy that hadda wrestle grizzly bears in a pressure suit would be at a huge disadvantage, so it would be, like, an ‘underdog’ story. But somehow at the end, the hero jacks up the grizzly bear and defeats the vampires.
A: That's actually a pretty good idea.
Q: You really think so?
A: No.
Q7: Did you know these almond branches are extremely flammable? You should be careful. These things are a lawsuit waiting to happen. And they taste terrible.
Q8: *** Will there be a Mercury Falls musical? As your P.R. Agent, I think opening for Pearl Jam would be a good move from a publicity standpoint. I've already got Freddie Mercury, the frontman from Queen, under contract.
A: Freddie Mercury died in 1991.
Q9: That's okay. Jon Gosselin is hot for the role. How many parts will Lindsay Lohan be playing in the motion picture?
A: That depends on how many years she ages over the next six months.
Q10: By the use of the ‘Replace’ function in your word processor, you could have changed the word “angel” to “vampire” in less than a minute –thus selling, like, a jillion more copies. Was that an ‘artistic integrity’ thing, or is your accountant just flat out dumb?
A: I don't use a word processor.
Q: Really? What do you write on?
A: Your mom.
Q11: Will there be a sequel? And will it have vampires? Or grizzly bears?
A: I think writing on your mom is frightening enough.
Posts
14 people made squiggly horizontal lines!:
LOBO - This is going to be my one and only response to this. If you choose to delete it, that's up to you.
You sent me interview questions. I responded to them in a hostile fashion AS A JOKE. BECAUSE I'M A HUMOR WRITER.
I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny. I didn't intend to insult you, and I did offer to redo the interview. You've decided to do this instead.
In any case, I think you're a really funny guy, and I wish you all the best in your endeavors.
You're a real fuckin' funny guy Rob.
-Maybe you should take up, I dunno, comedy or something.
Any chance you could plug my "Sherlock Holmes and the Underpants of Death" book? Go on. I guarantee you will get into heaven, your choice of cloud, harp playing by Hendrix and the whole nine yards.
Chris, I would be honored to plug your book.
-Just leave my mom out of it, okay?
I kept thinking "Is Diesel's email hacked?" -I mean why would you drop the "Your Mom" bomb on somebody who is busting their ass trying to get your promo shit out on schedule?
-For free!
It'll be funnier-seeming in a few days I suppose. But shit, this whole thing has tied up my blog since Tuesday. THAT'S what pisses me off most I think ... I'm burning calories for this ingrate, and neglecting my own shit?
Perez Hilton be damned, Predator Press "Man of the Year" is going to be a pretty simple call this year.
Weird. My mom would have said "if you're gonna write on
me, use that strawberry ink I like."
You two are both hilarious ... In a non-obvious way. ;o)
Hey Bee!
Yeah, he's a funny guy -he'll be fine.
I keep oscillating between whether to delete this post or not. But there's a side of me that thinks "You worked on this for two days. And in a weird way, this is the best interview you ever got!"
Don't delete it! This is now in my top 10 favorite interviews!
#1 is the interview with Jennifer Lopez on South Park.
That last email, where he dropped the 'girl' thing, was three hours before I was supposed to publish -a deadline he requested, less than 72 hours from concept inception.
And you're right, it is sort of funny watching two stressed out grown ups woefully lacking in social skills just totally detonate.
But as far as “redeeming qualities” go, at least I've got my good looks to fall back on -that poor dude is fucked if this book doesn't kick ass.
Luckily I can always go back to lapdancing if the writing doesn't work out.
I have sent you a highly confidential email, that gives details of how my minions will bring you a copy of my book by private jet in a hermetically sealed excellence container.
Done and done ... check your email! :)
I would TOTALLY read a book about an astronaut that wrestles bears in a pressure suit. I assume it would be picture book, and roughly the same length as Where The Wild Things Are?
I was thinking a 'pop-up' book actually -a pop-up book that requires you wear 3-D glasses to read.
The prototype almost made me soil myself.
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